Set by J Seery
According to Wikipedia: "Chav is a mainly derogatory slang term in the United Kingdom for a person whose lifestyle, clothing (especially if fake/counterfeit), speech and/or mannerisms are perceived to be common and vulgar. The term is often used as a stereotype to refer to poorly educated, aggressive working-class youths, but youth and aggression are not the defining attributes of a 'chav'."
Later, it adds: "[The term's] increasing popularity raises questions about how British society deals with social mobility and class." Nevertheless, I don't think wearing brown shoes with a blue pinstripe suit or loosening your tie while leaving the top button of your shirt undone is quite what it means, however much Nancy Mitford might look down upon these solecisms. £20 and the Tesco vouchers to Ian Birchall, £15 to John Griffiths-Colby and Keith Mason. The rest get £5 book tokens.
They have violent tendencies (for example, younger chavs often join the army)
. . . have ambitions, not for real achievement, but for celebrity for celebrity's sake
. . . never get involved in politics or even vote but expect to have a comfortable life at the taxpayers' expense.
. . . are generally accompanied by dogs but really enjoy sports involving cruelty to animals.
. . . have a lot of flashy bling (like the Crown Jewels).
. . . come from a dysfunctional family characterised by marriage break-ups.
. . . are descended from (Hanoverian) immigrants.
Ian Birchall
Their outfits for the season do not smell of mothballs
Forensic tests will prove their clothes to be negative for hound saliva.
Their apparel will prominently display the manufacturer's labels on the exterior.
The cost and place of purchase of each item of clothing will be known to the wearer, when asked.
They will know the bloke on the gate.
John Griffiths-Colby
They never leave home without razor-sharp creases in their trackies
. . . have the definitive collection of rare designer baseball caps from George at Asda.
. . . find their Burberry stab vest will mix'n'match with just about anything!
Keith Mason
They arrive by helicopter and call the Queen "Gran".
Liam Kenson
Set off the knife detector with their jewellery.
Set off the knife detector with their knife.
Michael Cregan
No 4041 Parting of the ways
Set by Hank T Romein & Grace Elegy
According to Carol Vorderman's manager, the offer (to stay on Countdown) amounted to a 90 per cent pay cut, slashing her reported £1m salary to nearer £100,000. So she quit. "It was such a desperately hard decision to take," he said. But she was also upset that Des O'Connor had resigned. We want statements from publicists working for any person in the public eye, explaining how a kick-in-the-teeth huge pay cut, or removal of perks, was not the real reason they left.
Max 120 words by 14 August
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
