Report by Ms de Meaner

Harder than you thought, n'est-ce pas? Of course, there are things that outrage and/or astonish us today in a quite straightforward way, but - as with the examples of people putting their feet on the seats in trains or talking on their mobile phones in the quiet carriage - they are becoming so much rarer as we become inured to such affronts. Comically exaggerated outrage at loud rap music polluting the streets these days seems strangely off-beam. Hence the example given: how much more astonishing would we find it if the loud music was Die Entführung aus dem Serail. £20 to each winner with three entries, a tenner to the one with two, and the singletons can each have a £5 book token. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to Garry Honey, for making me laugh out loud with his first entry.

The Man Who Wanted to See His Doctor This Week.

The Man Who Asked the Local Police to Investigate His Burglary.

The Commuter Who Expected a Seat on His Train.

Garry Honey

The Man Who Went into JD Sports and Asked to Buy Some Plimsolls.

The Man Who Declared That Gordon Brown Just Needs a Bit More Time.

The Man Who Bought an SUV to Carry His Family of Eight, a St Bernard and His Fishing Gear.

Anne Du Croz

The Man Who Had a Toothpick in His Hand Luggage.

The Man Who Asked the Way to the Nearest Post Office.

The Woman Who Wished Gordon Many Happy Returns.

Shirley Curran

The Footballer Who Scored a Goal and Quietly Walked Away.

The Woman Who Carried Home Her Lidl Shopping in a Lidl Bag.

Katie Mallett

The Tennis Player Who Didn't Grunt.

M E Ault

The Adult Who Cycled on Roads.

J Seery

The Man Who Said He Knew How Hedge Funds Worked.

Liam Kenson

The Man Who Asked His Bank for a Mortgage.

D A Prince

The Job Interviewee Who Didn't Seek a "Challenge".

Basil Ransome-Davies

The Man Who Admitted to Not Packing his Own Luggage.

G M Davis

The Man Who Actually Knew What He Wanted After Queuing Ten Minutes for the Deli Counter.

John Griffiths-Colby

The Man Who Sold His Seaside Bungalow in Newquay, Cornwall to a Young, Local Couple.

Ralph Pearce

No 4038 What not to wear

Set by J Seery

"It was simply a case of there being something of a lack of understanding of what formal daywear means in this day and age, leading to some outfits not quite complying," said Ascot's chief executive. Observers have commented that the dress-code rule changes for the Royal Enclosure are meant to keep chavs out. So . . . how do you spot a chav?

Ten suggestions by 24 July

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk