Set by Joy Hosker
If Sebastian Faulks can write a Bond novel, why can't others?
Report by Ms de Meaner
Superb. Hon menshes all round. £5 tokens each for the two excerpts, £20 to the three winners, and the Tesco vouchers go to John Griffiths-Colby.
J D Salinger
I'm just sick of these phoneys. They buy some goddam island and fill it with gadgets and think they can take over the world. Who are they trying to kid? And what's with the pussycat!
I hate the way they say they'll destroy you; and show you their stupid weapons and think they can scare you. Why? Then they stick a tarantula in your bed and they even mess that up.
OK, they've locked me in some kind of cell. I guess some floozy with a dumbass name like Pussy Ryder will be here any minute with the key, coming on like she loves me. Dammit, girls are all phoneys too - except Moneypenny.
Keith Mason
George Orwell
Bond sidled into O'Brien's. The distant memory of Bar 101's money-stink had been substituted by the odour of cooked cabbage. He nodded to O'Brien. "Victory Martini, upshook, antistir."
O'Brien held up three fingers: "Two fingers?"
Bond ignored him and felt stronger for it. He joined Q, sitting directly below the screen where Big Blofeld's beneficent face hovered over the slogan "Iraq is Peace".
Q passed him what resembled a Victory pen. "It's a pen, except it writes. Be careful with it, 007."
Bond took it and immediately signed his name between holes in the tablecloth.
"For goodness sake, Bond!" exclaimed Q.
Bond smiled wanly. "I'm a slave to freedom, Q, what can I tell you? Is no one concerned with world domination any more?"
John Griffiths-Colby
Philip Roth
Bond eased himself into the room, anticipating the attack. Two figures sat at the table. "The Sabbath and you couldn't get here on time?" "I had to stop Blofeld from redirecting the sun's rays to destroy Washington," Bond explained. "Well I'm sure Mr Blofeld still finds time to visit his parents more than once a year." His mother broke the silence. "Mrs Finkleman's daughter's fiancé was killed in that Fort Knox gas attack. She's a lovely girl." Bond looked at his latest watch from Q. It had a miniaturised laser and grappling hook, but it couldn't move the time forward to when he could escape his mother's sad eyes and his father's simmering disapproval.
Neil Rennick
(Samuel Beckett) Smiles are all very well in their way, but not always. His teeth, too, were of metal. This way, he said. I didn't follow. I have pebbles in my pockets, I said.
Gerard Benson
(James Joyce) There was the Aston Martin quick as a gun but the morning gathered him up. Bugger that, Jimmy. Let's walk this day, the city, with the handbuilt soles.
D A Prince
No 4037 Bid on a kiss with . . .
Set by Joy Hosker
At its second fundraising dinner on 10 July, Labour will be offering yet more lots, including a tennis match with Tony Blair and a chance to be a character in Alastair Campbell's new novel. Let's have more ideas.
Ten suggestions by 17 July
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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