Report by Ms de Meaner
I realise the roadkill diet isn't exactly "new", but I rather liked this recipe. Ditto the really ghastly burger, but this was really ghastly in a new way. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (Michael Cregan) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
The Big Rapper
Ingredients:
1 lump gristly fatty beef
1 rhubarb stalk, sliced
1 cup cold porridge
1 banana, puréed
1 cabbage leaf, raw
1/2lb table salt
1 limp bap
Beat, pummel, thump, whack, batter, pound and hammer the beef until all traces of nutrients and flavour are removed. Pour the salt on what remains. Cut bap in two and "butter" with the banana.
Layer the beef, rhubarb, cabbage leaf and porridge, and sprinkle on some pepper. Close bap.
Choose some "street cred" name, eg, "The Mighty Muscle" or "The Big Rapper", market it on TV - and sit back and wait for the money to start rolling in.
Michael Cregan
Le roadkill
Select newly killed young mammals, preferably rabbit, squirrel or hedgehog - three needed for four servings. Carefully scrape off grit, tar and dirt. Skin and massage out tyre marks, gut, remove head and tail then stuff to give volume and natural appearance (4oz breadcrumbs, 1oz dried apricots, teaspoon mixed spice, teaspoon fresh herbs cooked in butter). Conceal skin damage with caramel glaze (boil 1oz sugar in water until brown and sticky, pour over animals - feet down). Bake 45 minutes at 200°C. Serve hot, arranged on preheated platter, feet up capped with small paper chefs' hats, on bed of buttered new potatoes and spring greens. Economical, ecological and surprisingly delicious!
Shirley Curran
Cuisine au pétrole brut
Too much contemporary cooking relies on vegetable oils. In the new tough competitive economic climate you wouldn't want anyone thinking you're a veggie. Admittedly, fresh New Zealand strawberries and day-old bald eagle chicks are becoming a bit of a cliché. But give the recipe a whole new twist by boiling them in Saudi crude. It may not taste good but your guests will be astounded that you can afford it.
Ian Birchall
Les vers faim
What do you do with your worms once you have fattened them up in your wormery? Chopped into pieces 1cm long and fried with bay leaves in extra virgin olive oil, they become very tasty. For best results, starve your worms for 24 hours before cooking. This will ensure that the soil they have ingested is expelled, and that the earthy taste isn't spoilt by grittiness. Served on a powder puff of finely mashed potato, and drizzled with jus of roasted and puréed plum tomatoes on the vine, they will provide a succulent and satisfying starter.
Katie Mallett
No 4034 Shaken, not stirred
Set by Joy Hosker
Now that Sebastian Faulks has written a James Bond novel, let's have some more Bonds by major 20th-century writers such as Joyce, Woolf, D H Lawrence, etc.
Max 125 words by 26 June
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
