Campaigning in north London following revelations that he had fathered five children with three different women, Ken Livingstone said: "Voters are not interested in who I slept with 30 years ago . . . it's only the media that is interested in my private life. Most people want to talk about transport and crime and other issues that matter to them. I have never discussed my private life and I am not going to discuss it now." We asked for a journalist's interview with Livingstone, ostensibly about serious matters, but which aims surreptitiously to get at the truth about his private life
Report by Ms de Meaner
Well done. Hon menshes to Bill Greenwell, M E Ault and Josh Ekroy. £20 to each of the winners. David Silverman also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Mr Livingstone, would you agree that your transport policies are the most radical since Mrs Thatcher's almost 30 years ago?
Ken: I wouldn't exactly compare myself to . . .
But as a conviction politician, would you agree that because of the threat of climate change, conviction politics have never been more important?
Ken: Of course . . .
Would you say your approach is a response to the materialism, intolerance and oppression of the "Me" generation?
Ken: You could say that . . .
Would you say your homosexuality has influenced your focus on combating discrimination, from racism to . . .
Ken: Sorry?
Racism to . . .
Ken: Did you say homosexuality?
Yes, would you say . . .
Ken: I'm not actually gay.
Of course you are: it's nothing to . . .
Ken: I assure you I'm not. Just ask (list of names follows).
David Silverman
Mr Livingstone, are you planning a bus pass system that's fair to families? You know, one father, mob of kids, bevy of single mothers?
Ken: I . . .
Council housing. Do you allocate it to needy nuclear families or these, er, prolific philanderers?
Ken: Well, John, I . . .
And education, Ken. You must worry about teenage mothers and children with no one to set examples of decent behaviour. Poor show, eh?
Ken: Well . . .
And alcohol in the city. Not just binge drinking but the problems it causes. Know what I mean? Feckless, brawling youth. Cheap lay. One-night stand. A boozy fumble and, hey presto, she's in the club. One more underage mother. Another mouth to feed. What do you say, Ken?
Ken: Just vote for me!
Shirley Curran
Mr Livingstone, what are your views on public-private partnership schemes?
Ken: I think that what's private should not be public. My private life is my own business . . .
On affordable homes, exactly how many can you afford?
Ken: Where I live and with whom I live is none of your business. My private life isn't my sole property. It's been shared with other people and it will remain secret.
And the issue relating to the congestion charge?
Ken: The allegation that my private life is congested is a Tory slur. My personal relationships are not overcrowded.
Finally, the Underground . . .
Ken: I understand there's a lot of subterranean gossip out there, but it's not worth even thinking about!
John O'Byrne
No 4028 Obscurity knocks
Set by Davina Prince
In "From Our Archive" (14 April), Graham Greene wrote about an excursion with Claud Cockburn: "We were, for obscure reasons, pushing a barrel organ across Hertfordshire dressed as tramps" - and left readers wondering why. Can we have the "obscure reasons" why any modern novelist and a companion might be undertaking an identical excursion, written in the style of that writer.
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
