Set by Hank T Romein After hearing that Brick Lane in London is to have its lamp posts padded to prevent people who walk and text at the same time from having accidents, we asked you for other measures to protect us from the vicissitudes of 21st-century life

While some of your offerings were the usual hilarious off-the-wall flights of fancy (and often illegal), quite a number of you were verging on the deadly serious. Barry Baldwin, one of the serious tendency, sent in "phasers that immobilise mobile phones within a 100-yard radius". I think I must inform the clearly seething Barry that something like this already exists. It is a device that emits a radio signal to block the use of mobile phones and can be imported from Taiwan. The singletons can all have a £5 book token each; the rest get a tenner, while Neil Rennick, star of the week, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

All polling booths for the London mayoral elections to be padded, to protect voters from self-inflicted head injuries.

High-impact cushions to be inflated below all Wall Street buildings and trained counsellors placed on external cleaning equipment for rapid window-ledge deployment. Economists suggest this may be a sign of the economic crisis deepening.

Newspapers and magazines to carry a detailed and accurate contents page, to protect readers from the sense of despair and hopelessness brought on by accidentally spending time reading an article on Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.

Neil Rennick

Gym screens to place around your chosen exercise machine until you have lost some weight.

Extendable hood rod to reach out and remove the headgear of any suspicious-looking individual in the street.

Keith Cundale

Standard door sizes widened to ten feet.

Sat navs to be fitted on all Ikea trolleys.

All conkers to be shatterproof.

David Silverman

All scissors to be made of malleable polythene.

All china to be made of melamine.

Godfrey H Holmes

Small generators to produce electrical pulses in the backs of cinema seats to deter seat kickers.

Reinforced steel cabins to be situated around cashpoints.

Josh Ekroy

Pointed stick disguised as a walking aid to prod any "living sculpture" with a discreet retractable blade.

Bill Greenwell

Revolving licence plates to evade the congestion charge.

Barry Baldwin

Conspicuous labelling to be placed on all mangoes to distinguish them from pomegranates.

John O'Byrne

A Polish-language phrasebook.

Phyliss O'Fickell

A letter box that will not accept junk mail.

Harry Glenister

Set by Hank T Romein

"In Downing Street upon the stair/I met a man who wasn't Blair . . ." We all enjoyed that one. We would like you to update some other well-known nursery rhymes and jingles to cast new light on a current news item of your choice.

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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