In addition to the winners, I was also tickled by entries from David Silverman ("Dear Mr Hawking, Pauline Meredith called me clinically obese. Should I smack her one? Sharon, Year 9"); E Neilson ("Dear Mr Eco, How can I break the habit of biting my nails?"); and Michael Sanderson ("Dear Mr Newton, Our neighbour has erected a tall fence that blocks our view"). Hon menshes to all three. The winners get £20 each; the best among you (Nicholas Hodgson) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Dear Mr Nietzsche, I'm shy. How can I break the ice at parties?
FN writes: Break the ice? You must SMASH the ice, and grind the shards into the pallid Christian politeness of your hosts, which turns wine into water, and let the rest melt away into the gutter of morality. I despise your shyness. Rise gloriously above it! Do not shake the hands of the guests. Wrench them into the new world of the will to power. Are you a mouse or a Superman? Live beyond these meek, self-pitying canapés. Devour the meat of power and transcend the world!
Nicholas Hodgson
Dear Mr Havel, The offside law is ruining soccer. How can I change it?
VH writes: I counsel against an assault on the referee, or even kicking the ball away. Consider wearing a printed T-shirt under your strip reading "Professional Footballers Support the FA", and reveal it every time you are caught offside. Live the lie to promote the truth. You are now powerless, but if you and your colleagues unite behind the T-shirts, the players' union may well be encouraged to propose a peaceful alternative to the diktat of Football Association bureaucracy. As a rallying symbol you could continue to wear gloves - preferably velvet - even in summer.
Paul Bond
Dear Mr Einstein, I'm having great trouble with moths and wonder if you can suggest anything.
AE writes: I, too, have trouble with moths, but have found that leaving my clothes all round the bedroom helps keep them at bay. Given the larger distances from garment to garment, and the ratio of energy to the amount they are able to eat, the moths are dissuaded from laying their eggs on all the clothes. It is also easier to see the little grubs when they hatch, and you should be able to pick them off quite easily.
Katie Mallett
Dear Mr Wittgenstein, My 15-year-old daughter wants a tattoo for her next birthday. Should I argue?
LW writes: Suppose that your daughter wishes to embellish some part of her body with indelible ink. We know this only as theory, not fact. She may wish to puncture someone else. Equally, she may wish you to arrange for a regiment such as the Black Watch to stage a ceremony in her honour. (Unlikely, but this cannot be ruled out.)
You might furnish yourself with skin decoration, perhaps of a pipe band in full skirl. An argument would follow, drawing attention to the imprecision of her request.
Bill Greenwell
No 4023 Under oaths
Set by Hank T Romein
The medical profession has its Hippocratic oath. We want one for cab drivers, archbishops, editors, plumbers, footballers, bartenders - the choice is yours.
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
