Set by J SeeryWe asked you for Sun/Mail-type rants on the outrageous regulations Europe is about to impose on Britain - eg, a tax on people who do not sell the undersides of their toilet seats as advertising space, a ruling that all children should have names appropriate to either gender, a requirement that all scissors must have blades of two different metals . . . the more ludicrous, the better

Report by Ms de Meaner

The ideas about what you thought Brussels might try to ban/force us into were fun. But many of you failed to get the tone right. As dear Paul Bond wrote to me: "I want to take part in your comp but it has never occurred to me to buy the Daily Mail or the Sun and so I have no idea as to the style of their rants. Could you give me some examples so that I can brighten your day with my entries?" Cheapskate! But, having failed to look at the papers, at least he didn't send in an entry, which is more than can be said of some of you. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David, who else!) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Choc horror!

Now the interfering Eurocrats are even banning Penguin bars!

Apparently "research has found that this confectionery does not contain any traces of penguin or any other flightless Antarctic bird or mammal".

No! - really? And there's us poor deluded Brits thinking all this time, "Mmmm - this flightless Antarctic bird tastes good . . ."

And - you'd better believe it - the adverts would have had to go anyway. "P-P-P-Pick up a Penguin has unfortunate chauvinistic or predatory sexual resonances as well as being likely to offend stammerers and cold people.

"Such oppressive marketing terminology should be avoided," say the Euronerds from Bruxelles.

The Sun says: "P-P-P-P-Piss off, Pierre! And leave us alone to pick up our flightless birds in peace!"

David Silverman

Mass hysteria

The British Sunday will end in 2009. Those Brussels busybodies are taking away our weekly God-given right to lie in bed and then go shopping. Britain will be brought to its knees by the Eurocrats' latest unholy scheme.

From Easter next year, every adult in the EU will be compelled to become Roman Catholics.

In a deal with the Pope, weekly attendance at Mass will be compulsory, and the Church will get free red wine. An estimated 300 million people will drink ten million bottles of communion plonk every week.

This will drain the Euro-wine lake, currently the size of Rutland, to a puddle by 2015.

We say: "Go jump in the lake - hands off our Sundays!"

Michael Sanderson

Nothing in the woodshed

Blimey, they've done it again! This time the barmy bureaucrats of Brussels are telling us what we can and can't keep in our garden sheds.

New Euro-rules, based on so-called "safety and security" reasons, have drawn up a mammoth list of permitted and prohibited contents for the Englishman's traditional retreat.

OUT go such items as tobacco, matches, alcohol, pornography and folding deckchairs.

IN are "small amounts of non-prescription medical products" and sandwiches "if the contents are fully cooked".

So now long-suffering husbands can no longer ease the stress with a fag, a beer and a copy of Fiesta in their own private haven.

You couldn't make it up!

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 4019 Recreation: creation

Set by J Seery

We'd like you to send in God's entry from Who's Who.

Max 125 words by 13 March

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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