Set by Gavin Ross In "The Meaning of Tingo", we learn that Prince Philip is known as "Oldfella Pili-Pili him b'long Missee Kween" in the Tok Pisin language. We asked what other celebrities would be known as if they were to visit the Pacific

Report by Ms de Meaner

What fun you had! £20 to the three big winners, the best of whom (Anne Du Croz) also gets the Tesco vouchers. I was unsure about David Silverman's entry, as Gavin Ross is not quite the same kind of celebrity as the others, but let it through. The singletons can have a £5 book token each.

David Beckham - Goodfella kikball

Margaret Thatcher - Missis praim minista her b'long handpaus

Alistair Darling - Mani minista bikpela gras b'long ai

Bill Clinton - Presiden him wantaim hevim ofis meri seks

Prince Charles - Naisfella king bihain Missee Kween

Shirley Curran

Hillary Clinton - Sweet Poli Hilli-Billi she b'long big white house long-time

Gordon Brown - Gordi-Gordi him make big-time afternoon in HP sauces

Prince Charles - Chatfella Carli-Carli him talk flower wif Cami-Niki

Amy Winehouse - Young Missy singa songa toxy life with grammy

M E Ault

Jeremy Paxman - Nambawan toktokman laplap b'longim bagarap lusim kok

Derek Conway - Palamen bulsitman stilim pipel mani givim pikinini

Gordon Ramsay - Nogut tok bikmaus kukim man b'long bokis piksa

Jeremy Clarkson - Sikibaga raskol tokim strong draivim kar tumas kwik

Nicolas Sarkozy - Bos b'long kantri katim marit givim kis nupela gel maritim hariap

David Beckham - Kikbal bikman brukim fut fixim kwiktaim traim kambek masta no larim

Amy Winehouse - Singsing gel b'long bokis wailis smokim drinkim tumas kamap planti sik

Anne Du Croz

Boris Johnson - Bori-Bori no comb him take on Redken

Keith Norman

Rowan Williams - Oldfella woolly-head best God got

D A Prince

Amy Winehouse - Sing-y sing-y skinny skinny whiney whiney in rehab house

Katie Mallett

Jeremy Paxman - Telliman him ax too bluddi much

Alanna Blake

Patrick Moore - Bipela fela aiglas longlongman lukim sta sta sta

Bill Greenwell

Gavin Ross - Oldfella him take pissy Tok Pisin Tingo-Lingo him chatty-classy wannabe come try catchee big-big-big crocky in titchy canoe then see him clever-clever him b'long Missee Ross

David Silverman

No 4018 Veni, vidi, vici . . .

Set by Dipak Ghosh

The five important elements of a short story are characters, setting, plot, conflict and theme, which were all well represented in Ernest Hemingway's tiny "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn", which he supposedly claimed was his best work. Send in your own short stories, in ten words or fewer, about some topical major news item.

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