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Licensed to jeer No 4014

Published 14 February 2008

Set by Dipak Ghosh The double-0 prefix means you are licensed to kill, whatever your final number (eg, James Bond, 007). But what are those agents lower down the pecking order, the double-1s and double-2s, for example, allowed to get up to?

Report by Ms de Meaner

Here are a few that tickled me: licensed to park anywhere (Katie Mallett), licensed to disguise himself as Tony Blair (J H Smith), and licensed to write anonymous letters to the local freesheet

(G M Davis). £25 each to the two winners. Michael Cregan also gets the Tesco vouchers. Below: the Top 20 for last year. Well done, David Silverman.

Licensed to . . .

117 Kill only with written authorisation from the Home Office (closed weekends).

227 Place offenders on the Evil Villains’ register (advise if unable to sign due to holiday commitments). 337 Impose community orders (attendance optional). 447 Issue really, really, stern warnings to power-crazed madmen bent on world domination. 557 Arrest anyone taking personal action to foil plots by egomaniacs and their sinister henchmen (see Oddjob v A Neighbour, 2007). 667 Wag an admonishing finger at Spectre and similar organisations, then fill in forms MI5/301 to MI5/479 inclusive (in triplicate). 777 Give up in despair.

Michael Cregan

Licensed to . . .

117 Wear shoulder holster with plastic replica that can be used on submission of form 91/PR/ifh/z to N (or O, Mons only). 227 Put appropriate, persuasive measures in place, eg, matchsticks under fingernails of suspected terrorists, accompanied by approved verbals such as “We’ve got a right one here”, or similar. 337 Draft DDs/2 (“dodgy dossiers”) from downloaded PhD theses on Iran’s nukes. 447 Listen in on outgoing/ incoming phone calls of the Green Party, George Galloway, or similar. 557 Invent new passwords, eg,

“Is this the only nightclub in Budleigh Salterton/Tehran/etc?” 667/777 Investigate complaints against MI5 and MI6, with unlimited powers of recommendation for appraisal.

Josh Ekroy

No 4017 Dear Prime Minister

Set by Grace Elegy

Forget employing your wife or son. What other extremes of behaviour might prompt a minister to resign from the government these days?

Max 125 words by 28 February

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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