Report by Ms de Meaner
Hmmm. Such a lot of you who didn't bother to read the rules! "As chronicled in the press" means exactly that - not simply sending in lists or descriptions of gestures people could make. We wanted to know how the press reported it and what the aim of the gesture was - in the Archbishop of York's case, he was attempting to bring down Robert Mugabe's regime by cutting up his dog collar. The actual winners clearly deserve medals. £25 each to Anne du Croz and Ian Birchall. £15 to Josh Ekroy and £10 to Gerard Benson. The star of the competition has to be Ian Birchall, who also gets the Tesco vouchers. Well done.
Unattractive sex threat
In a gesture reminiscent of Zola's intervention in the Dreyfus case, Martin Amis yesterday showed that a literary artist can enter the political arena with courage and dignity. Amis announced that until al-Qaeda agreed to decommission its weapons, his novels would not contain any scenes where sexual activity was presented in an attractive light. Questioned as to the effectiveness of this move, Amis responded: "Most readers buy my books for titillation, so this could be a wake-up call to ordinary decent people. Many guerrilla fighters are into autoeroticism, and Bin Laden could find himself facing a rebellion in the ranks." The only criticism came from Professor Terry Eagleton, who claimed that Amis's "sex scenes had always been boring".
Ian Birchall
Blue Boris not Red Ken
To gee up younger supporters while keeping faith with traditional Tories, Boris Johnson, Conservative candidate for Mayor of London, has dyed his hair blue. True blue: no hint of green at all. What is more, Bozzer has vowed to keep his barnet that way till he wins the election. When questioned about the reasons for her spouse's choice of an ultramarine topknot for his latest self-publicity stunt, Marina replied: "I believe he has done it in solidarity with the rare, endangered blue-arsed baboon."
Anne Du Croz
Browbeat the City
Alistair Darling has promised to shave his eyebrows until economic growth is restored, house prices recover and GDP increases, it emerged yesterday. The FTSE 100 rose 2 points; the Nasdaq and Dow Jones leapt almost as high, then fell back 80 points. "Whoever he is," opined a key Harvard economist, "the guy is gonna have to do a whole lot of shaving. The sub-prime knock-on effect is set to continue." On page 3: Denis Healey: My Eyebrow Hell.
Josh Ekroy
Wrong way round
Until the Pope readmits him to Communion within the Church, Signor Galilei, astronomer, mathematician and natural philosopher, has vowed to train his telescope on St Peter's in the Vatican the wrong way round, thus reducing it in size and importance.
Gerard Benson
No 4014 Licensed to jeer
Set by Dipak Ghosh
We all know that 007 is a spy who is licensed to kill. But what about those lower down the pecking order? We want to know what 117 through to 777 are licensed to do.
Max 120 words by 7 February
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
