Report by Ms de Meaner
For the first time in all my years of judging, every single comper sent in a good entry and I award all those who didn't make it to the page (including the newbies Michael Mason, Robert Leach, Ian Pointon, Ian Lawley and relative newbies Paul McCunn and Benjamin King) an hon mensh. £20 each to the winners. The Tesco vouchers go to Bazza for going that extra inch.
Resort of choice
Despite the publicity generated by its competitor, hell continues to be the proactive post-life resort of choice for the majority of consumers (thereafter, "the consumed"). However, we suggest a move away from the somewhat histrionically incendiary environment prevailing at the facility, coupled with dramatic reductions in demon/client interventions, with renewed emphasis being placed on the eternal nature of the experience. We recommend the immediate freezing over of hell, the subcontracting of personal torture services from demons to non-demonic residents of the resort (utilising hitherto untapped skillage) and the setting up of an unstaffed call centre to handle complaints, either in-house or in India where, under prevailing economic conditions, wages of sin prove more competitive.
Adrian Fry
Blue-sky thinking
Due to our inability to visit the site, this report is based on blue-sky thinking and the Book of Revelation. We recommend:
The introduction of open days;
Merger with Elysium and Valhalla to deal with the expected 100AD figure of 144,000;
Removal of the Sea of Glass for health and safety reasons, although we commend those staff standing by the Sea of Glass for singing from the same hymn-sheet;
That the product used in washing the robes white in the blood of the Lamb be marketed.
We no longer recommend:
Transferring the names of the elect from the Book of Life to a computer disk.
Nicholas Hodgson
Bleeding-edge technology
Management structure is a multi-platformed hierarchy with unlimited bandwidth, a raft of core competences and an embedded knowledge base. There is evidence of positive client focus and a substantial track record on deliverables. Yet engagement with bleeding-edge technologies is limited (viz: the reliance on fire and brimstone) and executive liveware is not incentivised to push the envelope or indulge in blue-sky thinking. Senior management must be reminded that there is no "I" in team. Related issues concerning the corporate image are not marginal but mission-critical. In particular, surveys suggest that the famous "counsel of despair" motto tends to have negative brand-recognition value. A mission statement that downplayed the eternal damnation paradigm could dynamise a future win-win situation.
Basil Ransome-Davies
No 4015 In all but name
Set by Gavin Ross
In The Meaning of Tingo, we learn Prince Philip is known as "Oldfella Pili-Pili him b'long Missee Kween" in the Tok Pisin language. But what would other celebrities be known as if they were to visit the Pacific?
Max ten names by 14 February
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
