UK Politics
The Almighty finally has His say
Published 28 June 2007
So it's goodbye from Tony and his friends, and it's goodbye from us, but not before some presents are exchanged and some sins are confessed.
Scene 1: Tony’s flat. Before he can be baptised he must make his first confession. He kneels before Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor.
Cardinal: My child, I am ready to grant you absolution. But 20 minutes have passed and you have not confessed a thing.
Tony: I'm still thinking.
Cardinal: If your sins are so awful that you tremble before them, remember the Lord's mercy is infinite.
Tony: No, I just can't think of a single one. Amazing. Stumped for words. Let's go through the main sins again - starting with gluttony.
Cardinal: Yes, my child.
Tony: Not guilty. That's more John Prescott. Next.
Cardinal: Lust.
Tony: Prescott again.
Cardinal: Sloth.
Tony: Ha! Prescott hat-trick. Next.
Cardinal: Envy.
Tony: Well, that's the whole of the ruddy Labour Party in a nutshell.
Cardinal: Avarice.
Tony: Not me, but my old friend Michael Levy might have a case to answer there.
Cardinal: Wrath.
Tony: That's more Gordon's thing. I mean, he's lightened up in the last fortnight but it won't last.
Cardinal: And finally pride.
Tony: Ah, yes. Guilty. I'm proud of my family. And my career. Keeps me upbeat. Hardly a sin. Look, if I haven't done anything wrong, let's skip the rest and do the baptism.
Cardinal: My child, have you never offended against the grace of Almighty God?
Tony: Looks like it. Why are you so surprised?
Cardinal: I fear you will need more hours of instruction before the Church is ready to receive you.
Tony: Oh God. Bloody hell. Can't we do the quick version - only there's a drinks thing at HarperCollins I'd like to drop in on.
Cardinal: God does not hurry such things.
Tony: Yeah, well, aren't we both forgetting something here? I'm a massive scalp for the Almighty, right? He needs me more than I need him, so make the most of it. The least you can do is bless my future mission.
Cardinal: Of course. And what is your mission?
Tony: Ending religious wars around the world.
Cardinal: The ones you've started, or the ones you've merely inflamed?
Scene 2: Downing Street. A dozen staff have gathered to listen to Cherie's farewell speech.
Cherie: Oh, God, I'm in floods already. This is going to be so emotional. For you, never mind me. We'll never forget you, Doreen, Mavis and, er ... I love you all and I want to gobble you all up. Now, the exchange of prezzies. You there, whatsyourname! [Points to a steward] With the long face. Cheer up, please, and bring that lot over.
The steward crosses to a pile of discarded freebies.
Cherie: OK, form a queue. [Doles out parcels] They're all labelled so if you get the wrong one just give it to the right person. Remember those confidentiality clauses haven't vanished just because we have. OK, that's the lot. I did say exchange of prezzies. Awkward silence.
Cherie: I see. Nothing for us. You miserable sods. That's gratitude for you. Gifts don't just materialise you know. It takes work. There are goodybags to ransack, bathrobes to snaffle, freebies to blag - all for nothing. Right, well, queue up again. I want every one of those lovely presents back. Come on. Keep 'em coming ...
Scene 3: Gordon's office. Harriet Harman enters.
Gordon: Ah, dreadful business about this "apology".
Harman: I've spent the whole week backtracking on that and I've got it under control.
Gordon: No, I have. Draft statement. Here.
Harman [reads]: "When I said 'stop these ridiculous excessive bonuses' I was, of course, referring to the salaries enjoyed by stars in the new Harry Potter film. I apologise if anyone thought I was talking about the City." No way will I put my name to this.
Gordon: You already have - in tomorrow's Times.
Harman: What? You're leaking already. What happened to "humble government"?
Gordon: This is it. You're humble. I'm the government.
Scene 4: Tony's office.
Cardinal: None can be baptised whose sins have not been absolved. Now, I just need a small sin. For example, have you ever told a lie?
Tony: Certainly not. How dare you?
Cardinal: Never? On your oath ...
Tony: God strike me dead if I have.
Cataclysmic thunder bursts over Downing Street.
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