Set by George Cowley
We asked for thank-you letters from famous people for unwanted Christmas presents
Report by Ms de Meaner
A warm welcome to newcomers Paul McCunn, Kevin Mead, Steve Whiffen and Derek Brown (two of whom have won on their first try!). £20 to the winners. Overall winner for the second week running (I hate to do this, but there really is no alternative): John Purkis, who receives the Tesco vouchers in addition. If you're hot, you're hot.
Bear necessities
Dear Lord Tebbit, thanks awfully for the huge overcoat made from the fur of a white polar bear, and the accompanying white hat, boots and toilet seat cover. This present fits in with my ideals and my new lifestyle. It will keep me warm on my bicycle and on my journeys to the earth closet at the bottom of my garden. Furthermore, it will radiate the heat of global warming back to space. It will also break up my silhouette; I shall look delightfully fuzzy, making it difficult for opponents to get me into focus. As I believe in recycling I hope in due course to return the coat to its previous owner. David
John Purkis
Mother love
Dear Mother, thank you for your charming gifts without which one might have forgotten the blind adoration of those one has outgrown. Adored the his'n'hers towels: my pool attendant Raoul thought them vulgar, but how astute of you to realise he can be an absolute bitch. The Coronation Street DVDs were wonderful, too. I shall turn to them should I ever need reminding what Manchester must answer for. The hagiography of me was another inspired choice, though I found the tone a little less fulsome than is my due. Naturally, I own many copies, but filing yours provided Mario, my amanuensis, some occupation. The chocolate animal biscuits were the only faux pas: dunking is homicide as meat is murder. Morrissey
Adrian Fry
Plane sailing
Dear David, thank you for your gift of a bell, a pump, a water bottle and the novelty trouser clips. Frankly, at first I was at a loss to see how I could use them on my favourite form of transport. They seemed about as useful as Clause Four for winning an election. I have, however, solved the problem. I'm going to use the bell to attract the attention of air hostesses, the water bottle to bring back some souvenir water from celebrities' pools, and the trouser clips in case I get really scared during take-off. The pump? Oh yes, I'm saving that for Gordon, but I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise . . . Tony
Steve Whiffen
That's the spirit
Dear President Mbeki, thank you kindly for your wonderful, and I understand very traditional, gift of fine South African raisins packed in Cape brandy. Unluckily for them, the rest of the family are all averse to grape products, so I fear I may have overindulged! Again, heartiest thanks, not just for the fruit, but for the spirit in which it was sent. Yours aye, Charles Kennedy
Derek Brown
No 3965 Rules of engagement
Set by George Cowley
Peter Wilby wrote late last year in the NS of being "a fully participating member of our vibrant 21st-century democracy". How does one become this?
Max ten ideas by 8 February
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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