Set by Patrick O'Byrne According to the Observer, Tory traditionalists would "mug a hoodie", adore Lady T and don't know what an iPod is. We asked you to describe the trads in other parties, professions or groups

Report by Ms de Meaner

Latest update from Harry Glenister: compers will be pleased to hear he's now "home again - whoopee" from hospital and hopefully on the mend. This week saw an absolute avalanche of entries about . . . trad NS compers. All simply a chance for you to have a good old moan. However, I picked out a good few lines and made them into a composite. £25 to the two lengthy winners, and £5 book tokens to the shorties and those in the "group" entry. The Tesco vouchers go, additionally, to Anne du Croz.

The traditional patient is enraged that his GP now works two days a week and still earns a fortune. He remembers when you could just turn up, and your doctor listened, observed, diagnosed and treated you, instead of merely making impertinent comments about your "lifestyle". He didn't prefer screening the worried well, or offloading chronic sufferers on to alternative therapy quacks. He didn't arrogantly demand surgery attendance for flu jabs and BP checks to hit government targets and boost his income. Taken poorly at night? This paragon would hop into his Morris Minor and arrive, in pinstripe suit and shiny shoes, full of reassurance. He prescribed antibiotics for colds, and regular pick-me-up tonics. He was your friend. He was on your side.

Anne Du Croz

Traditional Brownites had a long and illustrious, if not colourful, history, long before their recent rise to prominence. Their current support for "old Labour" values is, in fact, incidental to their appreciation of all things brown: wholesome, no-nonsense things like brown ale, brown bread, brown rice. In continental Europe, Brownites have generally had more right-wing leanings. Brownite heroes, other than the present PM, include such luminaries as Sixties foreign secretary George Brown, Capability Brown, Premiership footballer Wes Brown, Frank Bruno, Eva Braun. Favourite colour: er, brown. Nowadays, if they have a political preference, it is for a combination of old-fashioned socialism and eco-politics - if only because the mixing of red and green is to them aesthetically correct.

David Silverman

Traditional Chelsea fans, given half a chance, would pee in a Russian's samovar.

Glyn Haggett

Traditional Cockney thieves can remember a time when you could leave your door open knowing that family and community values would safeguard your property.

G M Davis

Traditional Radio 4 listeners can hear a misplaced apostrophe.

Adrian Fry

The traditional comper: will insist on telling you that Graham Greene once sent in a Graham Greene parody and came second (Keith Norman); grieves for an age when their winnings were disbursed accurately and promptly (Basil Ransome-Davies); and doesn't win as often as he used to (Ian Birchall).

No 4005 Fight. No surrender

Set by Ian Blake

"What we needed was 50 words we can use on the doorstep," moaned a Tory supporter about Cameron's too long conference speech. We want "on the doorstep" versions of famous speeches in fact or fiction.

Fifty words by 15 November

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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