Set by Grace Elegy Inspired by Hilaire Belloc, we asked for cautionary tales for today's youths

Report by Ms de Meaner

Young Shaughnessy, best known as Shaun;

From end of school to break of dawn

Would surf the internet for porn.

Indeed in class he dozed and txtd

To others, also oversexed,

The site addresses where he'd been

And all the naughty things he'd seen.

He slept through physics, sad to say,

And missed "The Laws of Faraday"

So failed to learn you didn't oughter

Let live wires get near water.

That night, with many a groan and sigh,

He clicked from breast to crotch and thigh;

With sweaty palm grasped tight his mouse,

Which shot out sparks - set fire the house!

The neighbours called the fire brigade,

Who came too late to render aid.

The local press - some thought it shoddy -

Showed graphic pictures of the body;

So it was seen throughout the land,

Though dead, Shaun'd kept himself in hand.

Moral:

Those tempted by the web at night,

Take note of Shaun's unfortunate plight.

Early to bed, and come what may,

Pay careful heed to Faraday.

Gordon Watson

The chief defect of Nigel Jones

Was fetishising mobile phones.

Before the wretched child was four

He'd bought (or stolen) several score.

His parents made some frightful scenes,

But Nigel opted in his teens

To join the local slacker set,

Downloading ringtones from the net.

It was a lifestyle choice, he said,

And thereafter remained in bed,

Bionically connected to

His iPod, phone and VDU.

Alas, he rapidly expired,

Not having thought to eat while wired.

A sad fate, but let's face it, dude:

You cannot live on virtual food.

Basil Ransome-Davies

This is the tale of little Dean

Whose friends, alas, were all on-screen.

Through MySpace, Bebo and the like

They networked with the little tyke.

But when Dean wanted to play out

His online friends were not about.

None lived within a hundred miles,

Not even lurking paedophiles.

So Dean grew flabby, pale and ill,

Failed to develop people skills,

Strove half a decade for his goal

To land a Systems Admin role,

And there he sits at story's end

Pretending users are his friends.

Adrian Fry

No 4004 Two is better than one

Set by Corvus Maximus

Sparta had two kings at the same time. The rationale, according to Wikipedia, was that "if one was killed the other could continue to rule so as to prevent the possibility of a coup". We want you to explain the function of having two PMs in the new British constitution.

Max 125 words by 8 November

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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