Set by Hank T Romein Actors desperate for a ciggy will welcome the loophole in the law which permits smoking on stage if this is dramatically essential. We asked you to concoct a letter to the local authority justifying your portrayal of a character as a chain smoker or the unexpected introduction of tobacco into any well-known play

Report by Ms de Meaner

This comp attracted a number of new (theatrically minded?) entrants. Welcome, Jean-François André, John Morgan, Geoffrey Butler, Calvin Jones and Don Salter. It was with difficulty this week that I cut you back to three. The winners get £20, the lifted one-liners £5 book tokens, and the best entrant of all (Neil Rennick) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Romeo and Juliet

In common with most of your local authority's youth, the question is not whether Juliet smoked, but what she smoked. Everything we know of her family background and social networks points to a culture of antisocial behaviour, youth offending, knife crime, underage sex and substance misuse. Clearly beyond the control of authoritarian yet uninvolved parents and left in the care of a disorganised nanny, Juliet was truanting and underachieving educationally - no mention of school, let alone revision - not terribly bright and susceptible to peer pressure. What was she doing out on that graffiti-bedecked balcony? "But soft, what . . . ?" That'll be Juliet, lighting up again.

David Silverman

Peter Pan

I confirm that our portrayal of Peter Pan as a chain smoker is essential to the anti-tobacco message of our production. He is, of course, tragically, the boy who will never grow up, stunted and condemned to a premature fate by his addiction. We are confident in the artistic integrity of the scenes involving Peter flying while lighting up using his Tinker Bell lighter and asking the audience to shout if they believe in Mayfairs. Dramatic tension is provided by his efforts to evade the pernicious Captain Hooked. Thankfully, there is a positive resolution when Peter is ultimately rescued by Wendy, the smoking cessation adviser.

Neil Rennick

Hamlet

"He's fat, and scant of breath," remarks Gertrude as her son fences ineptly with Laertes. In one sentence she identifies the source of Hamlet's irresolution, mood swings and inappropriate sense of humour. The respiratory problems, food binges, distraction and general wackiness are all classic symptoms of cannabis use. Hamlet the Stoner finally unifies our understanding of a character who has always prompted a multitude of diverse interpretations. Moreover, the play is liberated to fulfil its didactic purpose, long overlooked but even more relevant to contemporary society than it was to Shakespeare's. It warns of the consequences of substance abuse in vividly poetic terms. Hamlet's true hamartia must be seen (and smelt) to have its maximum audience impact.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Saint Joan

... with defiant irony stubs out her final cigarette and ignites the ...

D A Prince

Waiting for Godot

... no changes to the text as there are ample pauses for smoking ...

Adrian Fry

No 3997 Just a bit of handbags

Set by J Seery

Extracts, please, from an autobiog of a famous writer ghosted by a leading sportsman, eg, Oscar Wilde by Wayne Rooney.

Max 125 words by 20 September

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website