Your God needs you! No 3992

Set by George Cowley

"Jesus Loves You . . . Everyone else thinks you're a jerk" is a well-known b

Report by Ms de Meaner

Wow! A very popular competition. I wonder what that tells me about you compers. But first, let me welcome newbies Trevor Wadlow, Jayne Patten, Pat Allchurch, Phyliss O'Fickell, Paul Pastor and Frances Jessup. Second, let me remonstrate with Nicholas Hodgson and John Griffiths-Colby, who both sent in "God is for life, not just for Christmas". Amusing, yet . . . how shall I put this . . . Try typing that on Google and you'll see why you didn't win. A £5 book token to the singletons; £10 cheques to the rest, with the Tesco vouchers going to Anne Du Croz, the overall winner.

Jesus is coming - look busy!

Pat Allchurch

Come to church. Next to Tesco. Both open Sundays.
Love God. She loves you.

Barrie Heads

Don't ask Jeeves. Ask Jesus.

Paul Pastor

Come inside and have a drop of wine.

George Cowley

Dare to experience the full terror of a traditional Victorian hellfire sermon. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the church . . .
Best communion wine in town.

Keith Norman

In God's house there are many condominiums.

Sid Field

You and Jesus - Friends Reunited.

D A Prince

Hymn . . . or her?

Godfrey Holmes

Jesus - God's weapon of mass instruction.
Heaven awaits you . . . because you're worth it.
Jesus: the one to watch.
Try prayer. It's good to talk.
Jesus loves you - he's funny that way.

Anne Du Croz

Jesus wants you for a sunbeam. There's no other way you're ever going to shine.
Stand up, stand up for Jesus! He needs your seat.

Michael Brereton

I went to Hell and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
You don't have to be mad to worship here - but it helps.

Bill Greenwell

Jesus loves you . . . well, someone has to.
Why not opt for a faith lift?
Google God . . . and find us.

John O'Byrne

The Last Supper party - be there or be square.

Josh Ekroy

No 3995 We have Tom Cruises in all sizes

Set by Gavin Ross

The Chambers Dictionary defines a "Mae West" as: "n an airman's pneumatic life jacket used in the Second World War. [From its supposed resemblance, when inflated, to the figure of the American film star of that name (1892-1980)]". Can we have definitions of similar items (a "Tom Cruise", a "Vanessa Feltz", a "Tony Blair" spring immediately to mind) that could immortalise any contemporary celebrity of your choice.

As many goes as you like by 6 September


This article first appeared in the 27 August 2007 issue of the New Statesman, Bush: Is the president imploding?