Ask the Netdoctor No 3991

Set by Hank T Romein

Now that you can buy updated versions of Monopoly, with congestion charge pen

Report by Ms de Meaner

You certainly got into the swing of things. I was sorry to lose the game of Hide and Seek and Safe Sex from Peter Regan ("linking the message of safe sex to the children's game of hide-and-seek") which certainly gave me pause. I also had to give up John Elroy's Happy Families ("If a player picks up a Risk of Harm Card, the family is deemed to be complete ONLY when there is also a Ms Sadie the Social Worker Card also in the player's hand"). Hon menshes to those two. The four winners get £20 each. The overall champion (Neil Rennick) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Operation Thank you for choosing to play Operation. Instructions on how to play are available following referral from your GP. During out-of-hours (Mon-Fri 11am to 9am the next day and all day Sat-Sun) you should contact NHS Direct, which will refer you to your local out-of-hours instruction appraisal clinic. Following referral from one of these services you will be guaranteed access to instructions on how to play within 18 weeks.

Neil Rennick

Unhappy Families This modern variant of the original card game invented by John Jacques II is a more relevant, up-to-date game for today's children. It properly reflects changes in lifestyle, differences in social orders and new patterns of behaviour. Gone are the old familiar characters and tradesmen: the butcher, baker, fishmonger, carpenter, etc. Now we have:

Mr Recidivist
Mr Scrounger
Mr Drug Dealer
Mr Burglar
Mr Tax Evader
Mr Bent Lawyer
Mr Mugger
Mr Benefits Fraudster
Mr Corrupt Businessman
Mr Adulterer
Mr Wannabe
Mr Hit-and-Run Driver
Mr Bent Copper
Mr Embezzler
Mr Football Cheat
Mr Pop Idol
Mr Grumpy

Sid Field

Txt Scrabl Stix 100 ltr tls in Bag. Ea tl has ltr + scr. Use ltr or no to mk txt. Plyrs grb 7 tls. 1st plyr mks txt X pk*; get dubltxtscr. Calc scr on ea tl + prem sq. If use all 7 + 50 pts J. Nxt plyr duz own txt aX exg txt. Ea plyr restox ex bag. Aim 4 hi scr + sqs + dubltxtscr, dublltrscr, triplltrscr etc. Mst use Phonet. Txt [SMS] Eng wds & nos, mst B abbr, colloq, sl, contr. Winna is dsided whn plyr has 0 tls + 0 in bag; uthas scr - tl on rax, hiest is winna.

John Griffiths-Colby

Cluedao The same rules as Cluedo but, to make it more difficult, all players must solve the crime using Portuguese policing methods.

Beat your Neighbour No need for playing cards.

I Spy You say what you can spy and the other players have to guess what letter it begins with.

David Silverman

No 3994 I'm dying for a fag

Set by Hank T Romein

Actors gasping for a ciggy will welcome the loophole in the new law that permits smoking on stage if dramatically essential. We want you to concoct a letter to the local authority justifying your portrayal of a character as a chain smoker, or the unexpected introduction of tobacco into any well-known play.

Max 125 words by 30 August

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

This article first appeared in the 20 August 2007 issue of the New Statesman, The most important protest of our time