Set by Pat O’Byrne Following Tony Blair’s example of proposing to Cherie while she was cleaning the loo, we asked you to think up equally romantic scenarios for other people in the public eye

Report by Ms de Meaner

I was sad to lose a few Gordon Browns, but the Ed Balls was in the same vein and the best of the bunch. £20 to the three winners and a £5 book token for the shortie. Overall winner by a yard is Bruce W Alter, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Gordon Ramsay Darling, you know we’ve been together for two years now, and I have something important to ask you . . . WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING? Don’t you even know how to make a risotto? TOSS THAT PAN OF CRAP OUT AND START OVER! Now, our love has aged like a fine piece of meat, and bloomed like the deep blue veins of a Stilton. ARE YOU USING VEGETABLE STOCK? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE MAKING A VEGETARIAN MEAL? ARE YOU CRAZY, OR JUST INCOMPETENT? Chicken stock is the only way to make that dish! Take that BLOODY VEGETABLE STOCK AND RAM IT UP YOUR BUM! My sweet one, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? I picked out the most incredible diamond ring. It’s in that bowl of ground lamb on the counter. Take it out and see if it fits. Bruce W Alter

Ed Balls

I’m glad you could join me and the Chancellor for this midterm PowerPoint presentation, Yvette. In neoclassical models, the long-run rate of growth, whether it pertains to great affection or the economy, is exogenously determined. Thus if we substitute erogenous for exogenous, we have a proposal here which might satisfy both our criteria, that is if the Chancellor has no objection. It is, of course, subject to budget constraints, and the Five Tests must be passed. So, taking into account our continued buoyancy and above-trend love growth, I wish to form a long-term strategic/symbiotic partnership with you, socially inclusive and an example of perfect competition. John O’Byrne

Boris Johnson

Splendid! I say, er, where did you learn to mend a puncture so, sort of, expertly, eh? And in dastardly pelting rain. I would have been, as you might say, stuck in the mud without you. Miles from civilisation. Pity you seem to have got rather a lot of oil on your, whatd’youcallit, your top thing. Gosh, I hope it comes off. The oil, I mean, ho ho! By the way, I’ve been wondering, off and on, about getting hitched. It sort of struck me, seeing you in the ditch like that with my trusty twowheeler, that you and I might hit it off OK together on an, as it were, permanent basis. Nem con? Alanna Blake

Robert Mugabe

You have been a very excellent secretary. One day, the pigs and dogs who populate my beloved Zimbabwe will be able to take dictation as well as you. Until then I have decided to make you my wife. Of course, the choice is yours. Now, where was I with that death list? Adrian Fry

No 3993 Purposeful pig’s ear

Set by Hank T Romein

The diary in the August issue of the Oldie reveals the existence of the Cock-Up Club (motto: “No cock-up, no wisdom”). We would like applications, please, from wellknown people, living or dead, detailing their qualifications for membership, perhaps owning up to previously unknown cock-ups. Max 125 words by 23 August Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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