Set by Hank T Romein The August issue of the "Oldie" revealed the existence of the Cock-Up Club (motto: "No cock-up, no wisdom"). We asked for membership applications from well-known people, living or dead, setting out their qualifications for membership, possibly even owning up to or revealing previously unknown cock-ups

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. I had to lose Shirley Curran and Bill Greenwell (Bruce Ismay and J A’rcher MA Canton, Bt, respectively), but they can take comfort from hon menshes. None for dear Michael Cregan, who sent in this from Noah: “OK, OK . . . so I forgot the unicorns . . .” in the tones of a child grudgingly admitting to having done something wrong when he should have trumpeted it from the rooftops if he wanted to be considered for membership. £20 to the three winners, the best of whom (Brian D Allingham) also gets the Tesco vouchers. Oh, and welcome to a newbie, Randy Lee.

Karl Marx

In support of my application, I would like the Committee to consider the following. I never intended the Revolution to happen! I was just talking about the theory, not the practice. My publisher was pressing me to complete the book within some deadline or other, and somewhere between finishing the writing and getting the book printed, the last chapter got mislaid. And that was the bit where I made it clear that, despite the foregoing, I reckoned that everything was going along pretty well and that Capitalism should be given another hundred years or so to find its feet.
I mean to say, who would have thought they would take me seriously?

Brian D Allingham

Lord Black of Crossharbour

Barbara and I would like to apply for platinum membership of the Cock-Up Club. Some years ago we attended a costume ball dressed as Cardinal Richelieu and Marie Antoinette. This was a mistake of the first order. It opened us up to ridicule, generated very nasty coverage in the Guardian, caused some shareholder discontent, and made us the subject of exaggerated cartoons. To rub salt in the wound, this year a jury in Chicago found I had gone too far and I am now awaiting sentencing. Perhaps if I had dressed up as Dracula – and Barbara as, say, one of the Spice Girls – things would be nicer.

John O’Byrne

J R R Tolkien

You may be surprised to receive an application from me for membership of the Cock-Up Club. For I thought I had attended to everything: Elvish (or should that be Elven?) grammar, the genealogy of Gondor, even the taxonomy of Orcs. But I cocked up The Lord of the Rings rather comprehensively with a plot hole. The quest could have been circumvented had Gandalf entrusted the Ring to Gwaihir the Wind Lord, the giant talking eagle who rescues him from Orthanc and Frodo from Mount Doom. He’d have dropped it in the Cracks of Doom within days, not months. The Ring would have had insufficient time to corrupt Gwaihir, since an eagle could easily outfly the Nazgul, Gollum need never have got scent of it, and there’d have been no need for the Fellowship or the attendant War. Oops, as we philologists say.

Adrian Fry

No 3996 For God’s sake

Set by Ian Birchall (no relation)

Well, well, well. So Julie Burchill has abandoned journalism in order to study theology. Let’s have her take on one of the trickier theological issues, eg, the 39 Articles, or transubstantiation, or some biblical area of your choice.

Max 125 words by 13 September
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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