Set by Gavin Ross Inspired by the Guardian's celebrations on its 50,000th edition, we asked for today's news (Big Brother, Paris Hilton's jail term), written in the style of 1907

Report by Ms de Meaner

I almost let the relative newcomer Mr Godfrey Holmes into the winners' enclosure, but truly only old-timers came up trumps. Hon menshes to Mr Holmes, as well as Miss Katie Mallett, Mr Ian Birchall, Mr Barry Baldwin and Mr William Greenwell. £20 to the winners. Ms Du Croz also gets Tesco vouchers.

Miss Paris Hilton, heiress to the Hotel fortune, having been given a custodial sentence because of a minor traffic infringement, has used her incarceration wisely, and has completed a short period of research into poverty, addiction and deprivation at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California. Despite her own fragile health at the time, she amassed sufficient information to allow her to plan several future charitable projects centring on the welfare of women and children. Upon release, Miss Hilton, whose autobiography, Confessions of an Heiress, was recently reviewed in this newspaper, was greeted by crowds of well-wishers. She reassured them that they would soon receive news of her intentions, as she had agreed to be interviewed by Mr Larry King of CNN.

Anne Du Croz

The eviction of Mr O'Kane from the Big Brother house, though not precisely foreordained, was nonetheless largely predictable. Many felt that the "prankster" side of his nature, ebullient and gleeful as it may be, was given too free a rein, and the disapprobation of his fellow residents had failed to curb it. Expulsion remained the regrettable but necessary outcome. It should be added, however, that Mr O'Kane had equally failed to secure the affection of the public at large, who registered their sentiments with emphatic clarity by telephone. Vox populi, vox dei. The multitude who lifted their instruments to record a vote against him will be satisfied to have deprecated a sense of humour that sailed all too close to aggression.

Basil Ransome-Davies

Miss Marija Serifovic, a soprano representing Serbia's rich cultural traditions, won the coveted Victor Ludorum prize at the annual Eurovision singing pageant, where some of the continent's most accomplished composers and divas celebrate their art. The prestigious festival is no stranger to controversy. Amid claims that political and parochial alliances occasionally jeopardise judicial objectivity, Sir Terence Wogan, lamenting the paltry 19 votes cast for the British offering, complained that neighbouring nations favour one another. Sir Terence hails from Limerick in Ireland. Others attributed the Britons' failure to the song's quality.

Singing festivals have been staged in Europe since the Middle Ages (viz: Mr Wagner's Die Meistersinger von Nürnberg). However, songs containing sentiments such as "Ba-ba-da. Fasten seat belts. Duty free, madam? Yeah, yeah" have rarely triumphed.

David Silverman

Set by Corvus Maximus

Paddy Ashdown ("Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent") quoted Wittgenstein when explaining why he wouldn't work for Gordon Brown. We'd like some more philosophy from celebrities or politicians used to effect in an appropriate context.

Max 125 words by 19 July

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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