I’m not sure Osama’s change of heart on suicide bombings – after imbibing Bertrand Russell – is quite what we had in mind. But a good try, Keith Mason. £20 to the three winners, the best of whom (Michael Cregan) also gets the Tesco vouchers. £5 book tokens to the two shorties.

Britney Spears It is to the father

of modern philosophy, René Descartes, that I owe my enduring success and profound lyrics like “I’ve been yearnin – You’re the answer to the question that’s been burnin”. I movingly adopt his philosophy of reflection and questioning, leading to certainty. Descartes with his maxim “Cogito, ergo sum”, like me, started with a completely empty mind, relying on perception for an understanding of truth. “I think you’re my answer/ Uh, here I go, Ohhhh,” I intone, demonstrating Descartes’s supremacy of reason. My “Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you so patiently,/ Yeah, and now you’re here Ohhhh” is the archetypal Cartesian moment of epiphany. Each time I grasp the mic, my fans tremble in thrilling anticipation of yet more weighty philosophical insight.

Shirley Curran

Tony Blair In heaven – and I know about heaven, being well in with the proprietor – there is, according to Plato, a perfect cache of weapons of mass destruction, of which all caches on earth are pale reflections and mere attempts to reach the ideal. Saddam had made less progress in reaching that ideal than he should have done. He was remiss in so many ways. When you get to heaven you’ll see that there is a perfect cache, and the same goes for PFI, peerage-loan arrangements, IT contracts, House of Lords reform, carbon-emission-reducing road and airport expansion, and everything else. Be patient! Have faith! Be Platonic! I wish Cook, Blunkett and Prescott had been.

J Seery

David Beckham “You are . . . ?”

the referee asked me. An imprecise question, as existence is not a predicate.“Beckham,” I answered.

It was my turn in the penalty shoot-out. I’d recovered from the knock I’d had – whatever does not kill me makes me stronger – so I was ready. Would failure mean the end of my career? Well, meaning is verification, so there was only one way to test the proposition.

The ball sailed over the bar like

an atom in the void.

“Do you know what you’ve done?” a supporter yelled.

“No. My only wisdom is the knowledge of my own ignorance,”

I replied.

I trooped off the pitch wearily.

Michael Cregan

Jacqui Smith It was wrong of me to try cannabis at university. But I would argue that it was part of a dialectical progression.

John O’Byrne

George Bush Mr Libby was condemned to prison; now he is condemned to be free.

Ian Birchall

No 3991 Ask the Netdoctor

Set by Hank T Romein

Monopoly has been updated, with congestion charge penalties and National Lottery prizes added to the more familiar “second prize in

a beauty contest” Chance cards. We want doctors and nurses, cops and robbers and other children’s games dragged into the 21st century. Instructions, please.

Max 120 words by 9 August

Email:comp@newstatesman.co.uk