Set by John Crick You were asked to say what else you would like to see banned, besides smoking

Report by Ms de Meaner

There were all the expected bugbears (radios played too loudly, bicycles on pavements), but a lot that weren't expected at all: statues (Godfrey Holmes), anyone with red hair "entering a war zone" (Neil Rennick), general elections in Ireland - "because Bertie Ahern always wins" (Patrick O'Byrne), the offside rule - "because it indirectly discriminates against women" (David Silverman), waiters "who ask 'Is everything all right' even once to diners eating their meals without complaint" (Basil Ransome-Davies), "obdurate and peripatetic" cats (Elisabet Helsing), "125-word limits in comps because" (Adrian Fry), Styrofoam (Bill Greenwell) and suitcases on wheels with long handles (Keith Flett). Bliss. Hon menshes to you all. The three winners get £20 each, with the Tesco vouchers going in addition to Josh Ekroy.

Conversation in enclosed places

Talking in enclosed places has now reached unacceptably high levels, particularly in pubs. Gone is the time when you could be served wordlessly by a surly, threatening presence, take your pint to a corner and brood on all the ills you've ever suffered. If anyone spoke, coughed or hummed, he - or, indeed, she - would at once be silenced by Looks.

Research has shown that conversation, laughter and other mouth-related noises are inimical to healthy digestion. For this reason, complete silence in restaurants is also de rigueur. Signs to this effect should be posted throughout inner-city areas, suburbs and villages, with on-the-spot fines imposed on all offenders on a zero-tolerance basis.

Josh Ekroy

Tattoos

Uvver day im avin me brekfust in this transpot caf, and in coms a ells anjel an sits at the nex tabel wiv is back ter me. Slarntin across is bear back bitween is trousis an is levver gerkin iz this tatoo ov a sexy girl wiv no cloves on. Trubel iz, i can only see from er fase - wot tels me sheez well injoyin erself - to er bely buton. The rest iz up under is gerkin. Eez takin it orf - no eez not, buger im. Eez putin is and up under is gerkin an scratchin imself jus ware - wel, yu no ware! Av a art, mait! Gawd, it urts! Ban tatoos!

John Riddell

Sudoku

My wife is utterly crackers about the puzzle. No matter what form: single-grid, multi-grid, circular, oblong; no matter what level: easy, moderate, advanced, fiendish, she's at it morning, noon and night; at breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. If I didn't do the cooking, washing, ironing, decorating, gardening, walking the dog, then nothing would get done.

I'm currently thinking of starting a national campaign - "Sod off, Sudoku!" The Japanese certainly have a lot to answer for.

Sid Field

Set by Dipak Ghosh

Some Big Brotherish CCTV cameras now have loudspeakers attached that allow for unexpected shouting out of admonitions, insults or instructions. Imagine you are in charge of one that is located outside the Commons. Who would you most like the camera to pick up, and what would you dish out to your chosen politician, civil servant or political adviser?

Max 125 words by 21 June

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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