Report by Ms de Meaner
Well done. Hon menshes for G M Davis's Prince Charles ("To be honest, Jim, it's the image thingy"), Michael Brereton's Tony Blair ("I'm just an ordinary prime minister . . .") and Katie Mallett's Andrew Lloyd Webber (". . . fix it to compère that Eurovision thing"). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (Godfrey H Holmes) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Tony Blair
My time as PM is approaching its end, but I love the glamour of the public eye. My dream is a second career as a rock star. If you could bring together the original members of my student rock band, Ugly Rumours, for a performance on Jim'll Fix It Strikes Again with me as lead singer, we would definitely be a massive Mick Jagger-style hit and I could take it from there. My instinct suggests relatively sober tight-fitting, purple-lamé, sequinned suits. We'd need some advance notice for growing our hair, and voice coaching. I adore applause and you would surely benefit from the publicity. I'd owe you a favour; who knows, your knighthood might be upgraded to a dukedom!
Shirley Curran
Simon Bates
Dear Jim. This is the story of a man - let's call him "Simon". For many years, Simon was in a wonderful relationship with millions of listeners. Each morning he would exploit the tragedy and misery of someone's life in the name of entertainment and dispel the unhappiness with a three-minute pop song. Millions of people loved Simon and he loved bringing some emotion into their dreary lives. But someone else came into the relationship - let's call him "Matthew" - and Simon had no choice but to leave. He started a new relationship, but he's now heard that washed-up DJs are making a comeback. Please can you fix it for me to get my Radio 1 mid-morning slot back?
Neil Rennick
Gordon Brown
dear jim. i have always wanted to be prime minister. ten years ago my mate tony promised me i could be but now i think he might not let me. please let me have a go at being prime minister jim please please please please please
gordon (age 56)
Rachael Harrington
David Miliband
I'm writing to you, Jim, in the vain hope you could arrange for me to have an audience with the Queen. At Windsor or at Buckingham Palace: I have no preference. Unlike the late Lady Diana I do like Scotland and don't mind seeing Her Majesty at Balmoral.
Why me? Why Elizabeth?
Well: I have just passed over an exceptional chance to be PM in my own right, in which I could have had a helpful chat with our noble Monarch every single week. Maybe shyness overcame me. But I know you will make up for this disappointment.
PS: I'm Dave M, not Dave C.
Godfrey H Holmes
Set by Didier d'Argent
Let's have an English literature essay blatantly downloaded from the internet, but with those tell-tale changes in style which show that some of it (how shocking!) was actually written by the student.
Max 125 words by 24 May
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
