Report by Ms de Meaner
Hon menshes to Anne Du Croz ("Wandering the landings at night making hand-washing gestures, she shudders as she passes each bedroom door, lest Brian Rix should stumble out minus his trousers") and to a newbie, Tom Eastaway ("The most extreme case that has been documented to date is that of a man who believed he was the back half of a horse"). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Frequent flashbacks to the Dome
Studies have shown that the syndrome is caused by growing feelings of powerlessness in great actors who have played a prime role over many years. There are three main types of PDSD:
Re-experiencing the drama: There are frequent flashbacks to the Dome and tight votes; nightmares of attempted coups and succession plots; intrusive memories of roles adopted, such as with George W Bush.
Emotional heightening: During the classic soliloquies (eg, the Great Resignation Speech), the actor trembles, grows tearful and wistful. The peroration then dribbles off, with some unexpected asides.
Prolonged exit: Refuses to leave the stage at the conclusion of his number. Seeks sustained applause, to the consternation of the other leading player. Curtain finally descends.
John O'Byrne
Is this a toothbrush I see before me?
"Is this a dagger . . . ?" No, it's a toothbrush. PDSD sufferers can never quite trust the evidence of their senses, and are therefore in a constant state of heightened anxiety. Is your friend at the party really a girl in disguise - or even a man playing a girl pretending to be your friend? And did he (she?) always have big hairy ears like that? The man smiling at you knowingly over by the Twiglets: do you remember inviting him? Was he there last time you looked? Speaking of ears, was that your uncle looking at your father's ear? Should you get it over with and kill him now? Did that wall just talk? Doesn't that Pot Noodle taste like a dead relative? Most probably.
David Silverman
The handbag problem
Aunt Laetitia's first visit to the theatre was also her last. An innocent spinster, she was subjected to several dramatic shocks that evening with unfortunate, lasting effects. The first was that she could never visit a London rail terminus without a panic attack - at least not until the left-luggage offices were closed for good. Worse was the handbag problem. For many years she would carry only the smallest purse or pouch holding the minimum of contents. Now, in the Sunset Home, she clutches her bag to her stomach day and night and you see her, like many of the other elderly ladies, opening catches and zips at frequent intervals to check that nothing undesirable has been deposited there, especially not a baby.
Alanna Blake
Set by Dorcas
A piece of fiction in which the following words make perfect sense: toothpick, polar bear, sporran, library, formalin, Marmite, groyne, hell, group captain and tympanum.
Max 125 words by 7 June
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
