Set by Corvus Maximus You were asked to explain in ballad form why your swift journey from Westminster to the Scottish hustings generated a smaller carbon footprint than those of the other political parties

It took me a while to "get" Bill Greenwell's entry (so slow!), but then that truth "And pigs might fly" was borne in upon me. An hon mensh to Michael Brereton. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (Bill again) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

The pinkest of wings

The pinkest of wings

I flew to Inverness, my love,

I flew there in a wink,

To Inverness I flew, my love,

And oh my wings were pink.

My wings were pretty pink, my love,

And oh, the air was clean,

I flew there on a pig, my love,

Both Gadarene and green.

Of all my porkers, this I sing:

My methane-powered boar

Came farting in on tartan wing,

And landed with a roar.

The roar that blew me, green as grass,

My love, flew north from south,

And half its gas was pure pig's-arse,

And half was from my mouth.

Bill Greenwell

A pie and a dram

O young Cameron pedalled up from the south

To drum up support from Poolewe to Eyemouth.

Of all the campaigners his bike was the best

But it didn't provide any seats for the rest.

His huge carbon footprint surely passed mine by far

As I bet that his staff had to follow by car

All driving gas-guzzlers and quaffing fine wine,

But a pie and a dram is the Brown way to dine.

And, save my good laptop, I baggage had none.

I paid for my ticket and flew all alone.

I travelled by taxi when my plane touched down,

Just a canny Scots driver and me, Gordon Brown.

He pedalled his way to a rally in Perth

To be fêted by rich Tory "friends of the earth".

Then the Green Party whisper'd, "Brown keeps the costs down.

"He's saving the earth is that young Gordon Brown."

Shirley Curran

Greener than Tories

Oh, ye'll tak the railroad but I'll tak to no road

But fly up tae Scotland afore ye

But don't be forgettin' how wi' carbon offsettin'

I'll be greener than ye or the Tories.

By yon bonnie banks, I'll survey bonnie braes

While ye're train's in the sidings all rusting,

For offsettin' acquits me of all I emit

While ye'll need ye're hot air fae the hustings.

Adrian Fry

No 3979 Disorderly conduct

Set by Gavin Ross

In a report ("Angry families of terror victims seek payouts") on 20 April, the Guardian wrote that Glenn Shadbolt, who survived the 2005 Sharm el-Sheikh bombings, suffered from "post-dramatic stress disorder". The paper later published a correction. Can we have suggestions for causes and symptoms of this complaint, such as fear of woods, compulsive searching for handkerchiefs, etc?

Max 125 words by 17 May
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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