Set by Corvus Maximus We asked you to provide job descriptions for posts that are best avoided

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done Anne du Croz, who sent in an ad for a comp editor on "Britain's foremost current affairs magazine". Hmm. I wonder what journal that can be? This week, the winners get £20 (for Home Secretary, President Museveni's doctor, and England cricket captain). The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to D A Prince for excellence beyond the call of duty.

HMG seeks a quick thinker, fit for purpose, able to identify and condemn shortcomings and to articulate media-friendly responses within tight deadlines. Do you relish confrontation and controversy? Love being centre-stage, with your name on everyone's lips? Must be able to manage the following irreconcilable contradictions:

Demanding loyalty from staff while disparaging their abilities;

Enjoying vigorous and productive sex life while condemning press publicity.

Requiring no specialist knowledge while exhibiting original, off-manifesto thinking on wide range of issues - eg, law and order, immigration, pooper scoopers and alcopops.

Ability to talk over John Humphrys an advantage. Must grasp essentials rapidly, and make one's mark immediately. Short contract possible/likely. Clean driving licence. No Asbos preferred.

D A Prince

Post of chief personal physician to president of renowned republic in East Africa recently vacated for reasons unspecified. Would suit adventurous young doctor liking sun and sport, including bush safaris and big-game hunting. Opportunity to help create historic record of longest-living democratically elected leader by attending to His Excellency's important health. Qualification in geriatric medicine might be an advantage. Also connections to large international drugs companies. Salary may be negotiable, but large houses and large areas of fertile land will be added for sure. Many staff and servants always available to work for minimum wages. This position provides scope for future literary efforts and profitable film contract to surviving candidate.

Alanna Blake

England needs YOU - if the answer is YES to the following:

Are you popular and charismatic?

Are you passionate about water sports in the Caribbean?

Are you able to empty the minibar in a split second without even batting an eyelid?

The ideal candidate must be willing to accept an enormous salary and behave, at all times, especially in bars, like a superstar who looks good in white.

He will never need to say NO, especially if binge drinking at the highest level is on offer. The position will involve extensive travel overseas to sunny climes and accommodation in five-star hotels.

An ability to play some cricket an advantage.

Patrick O'Byrne

Set by George Cowley

Ziauddin Sardar wrote (NS, 19 March): "All of us, whatever our beliefs and inclinations, could do with a serious dose of doubt." We want doubts from a leading figure.

Max 125 words by 19 April
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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