Set by Ian Birchall Prince William's girlfriend is being hailed as "The Next Princess Diana". We asked for a brief biography as written by an author (Andrew Morton?) or tabloid of your choice

Report by Ms de Meaner

I liked J Seery's Kate-Wills pre-nup "revelation" over what would happen if the marriage became too "crowded". However, three other entries were better overall. £20 to the winners printed below, the best of whom (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

The Unofficial Princess

Who would have thought, the day I left Butlering School, that one day Princess Kate would call me the captain of her schooner. Yet I was soon to become her trusted manservant, counsellor, bodyguard and make-up artist. We wanted to fix an early date for their wedding so they could move into their EFH near HG and HRHPC (soon to convert to HRHMAC). But, alarmed by the terrorist threat, the senior royals feared they could see the writing on the wall in the WC apartments. But I told her trust your instincts, Princess. She was not then officially princess, but she had beautiful manners and it was only a matter of licking the timing and a ring and a promise.

M E Ault

The Country Girl

A country girl at heart, she was shy but she was warm, this oh-so-ordinary, netball-playing British beauty who captured the heart of a lonely prince. Perhaps she was always destined to be royal. Didn't Great-Uncle Arthur from Dudley Co-op call her his princess? A little bird told me that employing magicians has made the future king's mother-in-law clairvoyant. She knew her Kate would choose St Andrews; would captivate Wills by walking that catwalk in a see-through outfit; would blossom at Boujis, make them swoon at Mayfair's Mahiki. Polo, protocol and regimental balls, with whom, where and where not to shop - such a lot to learn. Soon she will join "The Firm" - Party Pieces and Duchy Originals united by love. The fairy tale goes on.

Anne Du Croz

Kate: MI5 conspiracy

The Daily Express has sensational evidence concerning the whereabouts and true identity of "Kate Middleton". As with Princess Diana (pictured left, above, pages 3-8 and colour supplement), all is not as it seems! The official Palace line is that after meeting William's family, Middleton thought better of the engagement and walked away. The Express can reveal that Middleton, an MI5 operative, infiltrated the Royal Family to silence a key witness to the Diana conspiracy. What she did not know was that Diana's assassination had also involved a mysterious Prince Ok from the Planet Zok. Ok, who was green with envy (or would have been if he hadn't been green already) at her relationship with William, vapourised Middleton and teleported her to Zok, where she is now coaching a local lacrosse team.

David Silverman

No 3970 A week in the life

Set by Pat O'Byrne

David Cameron was gated for a week, when he was a 15-year-old schoolboy at Eton, for smoking dope. We'd like an extract from his or a fellow pupil's diary (or if you feel like something more grown-up, what about his housemaster's diary?) during that period of punishment.

Max 125 words by 15 March
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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