Report by Ms de Meaner

Welcome to Helen Hogan, Martin Barry, Yahia Shawkat, Dorothy Pope, Wayne Hill, Paul Kelly, Graham Mott, Hugh Wright, M F Gregory, Sophia Millington-Ward and Michael Brereton, newbies all. An hon mensh to Ian Birchall for: "Compassionate Conservatism? We give the lad a classical education and he doesn't even know an oxymoron when he sees one!" £20 to the winners; the best (David Silverman) gets the Tesco vouchers.

So little talent for anything

Cameron was brought to my attention recently, apparently for smoking cannabis, or "pot", as the boys call it. Frankly, I would not have thought that such a nonentity with so little talent would have bothered to become involved in this. On second thoughts, perhaps the effect of the drug was to make him feel that one day he could become something or someone important. I believe that there is a slight hallucinatory effect from the "spliff", as it is known colloquially. It has been decided that he will not be expelled, as he is not thought to be a ringleader. In fact, I doubt that he could lead a girl round a dance floor, let alone a teenage gang. Frankly, he has none of the qualities of leadership, and I doubt if he will ever amount to anything.

Katie Mallett

How frightfully ghastly

I say, diary, Cammers gated - how frightfully ghastly! They said he was caught with a spliff. A beastly porky, I thought. The beak was getting Cammers back for being cheeky when he handed in his prep. "We're the future now, old chap," Cammers said. "You fellows were the future once . . ."

Frightfully clever, I thought, but Anders wasn't amused. "Upon my word, boy, you'll jolly well see me in my study after Greek." Crumbs, I thought, he's for it now. Anyway, turns out he did have a spliff! He's told me not to tell a soul, and he'll see me all right. Crikey - oodles of tuck just to keep my mouth shut - what a jolly spiffing wheeze! That fellow Cammers should be a blinkin' politician . . .

David Silverman

Etonians know how to lie

That silly young beggar Cameron has made himself look an arse again. All the kids are on something - how else to survive this hell-hole - but typically he gets caught. And makes a clean breast. He's an Etonian: doesn't he know how to lie and evade?

Today Cameron is happily copying out his Georgics. What's wrong with him? It's supposed to be a punishment. He's a decent young man in a caponish sort of way, but I fear he'll always undermine himself with naive blunders. This morning he sought me out to ask if the incident will affect his future. Told him whole country was going to pot, in 20 years' time he could probably be a druggie prime minister. Didn't raise a laugh, though.

Basil Ransome-Davies

No 3973 You call it a beanstalk?

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

"Little Red Riding Hood was a fantasist," opined Ben Macintyre (Times). "She made up the whole story to explain why she was wandering through the woods in the middle of the night. Then she cried wolf, as humans have done since the earliest times." We want the truth behind other well-known children's bedtime stories.

Max 125 words by 5 April
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk