Report by Ms de Meaner
Not so bad, mes braves. Welcome to Kaan Dikmen, a newcomer, and a welcome and hon mensh to Godfrey Holmes (Stephen Byers: "For Thy sake - also mine"), whom I wasn't able to mention last week. An hon mensh to Stephen Bibby, too (David Cameron: "If it's not pushing my luck it would be great if one of my Eton friends could remember I smoked but didn't inhale"). £20 to the four, the overall winner being Shirley Curran, who also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Margaret Thatcher
Father - we mean God, not dear Alfred, our true maker; Mother, I trust, is not with you; Denis, of course, will be quite at home with spirits - we must have a trimmed-down, more efficient Heaven. There is No Alternative. The over-angeling is deplorable. Peter is underworked at security, and the archangels can be cut to one, without detriment to productivity. As one who, like yourself, wishes to go on and on, there is no objection to eternity. Your judgement, however, is questionable.
Your earthly representatives were not always ones of us. And, we shall particularly be not amused to discover Ted Heath conducting the Heavenly Choirs . . . Amen.
Barry Baldwin
Lembit Öpik
Oh I am miserable beyond all living things: Why did you create me thus? Why did you sport thus with life and fashion me unspeakable in features and in name? If thou hast any mercy, hearken, I beseech you, to my humble request. Render me only this kindness. Create a partner for me, with whom I can interchange those sympathies necessary for my being - a genuine creature unlike the weathergirl you copied straight out of Thunderbirds, or those two botched clones from Transylvania, but one like unto me . . .
David Silverman
David Cameron
Our Father, which art in an Even Higher Chamber,
Thine is the power to pull strings.
I promise, if I am entrusted with the kingdom,
I will do things thy way
On earth and create an eco-friendly, low-carbon-footprint heaven.
Give us, when elected, decent ministerial salaries,
And remove the press passes,
Of those who deny us our share, or slightly more, of column inches.
Lead the new Labour crew into temptation and sleazy headlines,
But make sure our lot keep their trousers on at least until the next election.
For surely it's our turn to run the kingdom,
And have some of the power,
Not forgetting the glory,
For ever and ever or at least a couple of terms. Amen.
Shirley Curran
John Reid
Before I let you listen to my prayer, we'll first talk about your duties. First, there is a future possibility about splitting your department into two, as at the moment it's not fit for purpose. Next . . .
Mike Berry
No 3971 And His reply . . .
Set by Dipak Ghosh
Now we want you to eavesdrop on God's replies. The identity of the politician involved should be clear from the context of the reply.
Max 125 words by 22 March
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