Set by Ian Birchall We asked for a newspaper article explaining why the fog shutting down the airports was due to something other than the weather

Report by Ms de Meaner

Welcome to a newcomer, Jass Trew (whose "fog" was the brainchild of politically correct green killjoys who, worried about our "carbon footprint", want to stop us flying). Hon menshes to Ian Birchall (Red Ken's fault in getting rid of the pigeons), Alanna Blake (Gordon Brown's fault for turning mere haze into "a disaster" for his own political purposes) and G M Davis (must be John Reid's fault somehow, as the fog ends abruptly at a 12-mile limit off the coast of Britain). The winners get £20; the best (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Frankincense again

Knock Airport, in Eire, was at a complete standstill last night thanks to Ruth Kelly, a devout Catholic who has a history of political correctness.

With only holy water available to drink, the nightmare began for thousands of passengers yesterday when a small but vocal protest group, SCAUAS (Smoking Catholics Against Undevout Asylum-Seekers), staged a smoke-in at the Opus Dei lounge at the airport. Several heavily tweeded and eyebrowed women ignited canisters of frankincense and, within minutes, a heavy fog surrounded the airport. One of the women involved was identified as a "Mrs Kelly". Inbound flights were diverted to the Vatican.

Patrick O'Byrne

Respect is the key

Biggles wouldn't bat an eyelid at being unable to see his hand in front of his face, but do-gooders at the Civil Aviation Authority have ruled that the brave pilots and sun-seekers whose grandparents saw off the Luftwaffe must stand down and "respect the fog". Attempting to get above it is, claim these nannying bureaucrats, morally equivalent to goading a mullah. "Fog may not have feelings," said a spokesperson yesterday, adding that we couldn't even be certain of that, "but we shouldn't make it bear responsibility for airborne fatalities." While passengers and pilots alike suffered the indignities of life on the tarmac, a nebulous ground-hugging cloud brought Britain to a standstill.

Adrian Fry

In hot water

Hordes of Luton's single mothers, not content with jumping housing queues, have taken to absconding from parenting classes and waiting at the airport to meet easyJet flights from Cracow with signs saying "My sink is blocked" and "I've no hot water". Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett has stepped in, insisting they change the signs to say, "Nie ma cieplej wody," to show respect for diversity and promote racial harmony. This is political correctness gone mad! The result has been a surge in heating repairs by planeloads of eager Polish plumbers, raising the temperature by several degrees. The ensuing microclimate, combined with the recent cold snap, has caused dense fog and flight cancellations.

David Silverman

No 3966 Isms fight back

Set by Dipak Ghosh

The Archbishop of York has criticised what he described as "aggressive secularism". We want a clear definition of it or similar (eg, virulent vegetarianism), and say in what way this harms society.

Max ten ideas by 15 February

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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