Report by Ms de Meaner
I have been taken to task in a letter from Barry Baldwin for welcoming him as a "newbie". In fact, he has competed for the past 40 years ("on and off"). The reason for his long silence, he writes, "was that the NS was frequently unavailable in these parts and, when it did come, it was always too late to get an entry posted soon enough to meet the deadline. Now, although the NS is still irregular here, email and the NS website have solved the problem. So, I hope to be chancing my ageing arm on a regular basis." So . . . welcome back, Barry! I have also had a complaint from Ian Birchall: "Please note that the hon mensh attributed to me for No 3963 does not refer to my entry, which made no mention of Livingstone or pigeons. Please correct this, as I have a lifelong reputation as an animal hater to maintain." The winners get £20, the best of whom (the animal hater) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Legalise LSD so that everyone can see non-existent weapons of mass destruction.
Privatise the courts so the rich can buy judges as well as lawyers.
Ban all types of headgear - hoodies, niqabs, cloth caps - which impede surveillance.
Finance political parties from the National Lottery, with peerages given as prizes.
Revise police regulations: 1) so tanks may be used against homes of suspected terrorists, and 2) leading Labour Party members can be questioned via video-link only.
Ian Birchall
Afghanistan renamed Bushistan in recognition of his bringing "democracy" to that country.
Iraq renamed Bushraq in recognition of his bringing "democracy" to that country.
UK to apply for honorary 51st-state status with the US.
Mike Berry
People who refuse honours or peerages should pay for the privilege of doing so. Funds raised should go to an undisclosed good cause nominated by the Prime Minister's Office.
M E Ault
The Blair Foundation (hereafter, BF) proposes that from now on a public-private partnership will finance the following institutions: the government, the monarchy, parliament, the BBC, the armed forces, the legal system, the Church, the police, the civil service, all regional councils and authorities, the Inland Revenue, all national languages and the weather. In time, these public bodies will cease to be public, having been subjected to open and international tender, at which point the BF proposes that they be run by post-public-private-private partnerships, or 5P. Under 5P, the service efficiency quota will be maximised, and subjected to cost-weighted factors to bring about an egalitarian, but hugely cheapened, society, to universal benefit.
Bill Greenwell
No 3967 Three's a crowd
Set by Ian Birchall
Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend, is being hailed as "The Next Princess Diana". Can we have a brief biography please, eg, as excerpted from a book by Andrew Motion or, say, published in one of our more "inquiring" tabloids.
Max 125 words by 22 February
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
