Lame man's terms No 3960

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne Prose that makes (some sort of) sense to the hearer, but absolutely none to the reader

Report by Ms de Meaner

Welcome to newbies Seth Brown, Irene Hickson, Barry Baldwin and, in the Christmas issue (no space), Dorothy Pope, Jeff Instone, Jan Rivers, Mick James, Philip Hulme, Ivor Yeloff, Neale Huggins, Nigel Evans, Daniel Trilling, Terence Thorn, Nick Stanley and Doreen Wardle. And if I've welcomed any of you before, just be grateful your name's been published (again). The winners get £20 each, with Adrian Fry getting the Tesco vouchers for "stealth taxis". Hon menshes to Carol Finning for "as white as a sheep", Katie Mallett for "the old daze", Ian Birchall for "thoroughly converse with pay-renting skills" and G M Davis for "good ale levels".

New Year's eponymous again

The New Year is eponymous again! Lettuce hope it's farmer pleasing than the lost one. I've made some rest ablutions that mystique. Force, no more overheating - it just makes me fatuous, or at least plumb. Sickened, time to exorcise more. They say six smiles a day is existential. A good weigh to get rid of that surplice way. Finely, less boos. It can damage the lever. I inspect this will be Gordon's ear. I hope the Labour sex session combs up soon. Tony has been good for the parting, but he needs to make room now for his an ointment hair. Bush is a lean-dog president; the Thames are now in control of boathouses. And what are Hillary's chants for the Wide House?

John O'Byrne

A one-day full Charisma

Charisma's was one day full. We invited some real Asians over to shear our turkey. Mahmood been in the kitchen all mourning, so we had although seizin' Electras: sprats, rose potatoes, Crambury's horse, chess-nuts and candid fruit - and an ice class of Suite Cherie. Migrate ankle Jerry Mire said Greece in Latin and every buddy chime din with, "Ah! Men!" We don't choosily have grease but, OK Jonah Lee, Ike white-lie kit. Don't chew? After woods we settled with some mint spies to hear the Queen's pitch on the why less. Then, after a bit of arrest we played Hunt the Sleeper and Haydn Sick. Of course, the Chilterns were only therefore the Presence. We didn't diss a pint.

Gerard Benson

Gordon Brown's nude eel

I don't reckon Blair should buy any more Strident missiles, not with hospital rating lists and school leave tables like they are. Brown's pre bodge-it statement promised bullions more for schools, but it's all being collected by stealth taxis, isn't it? No wonder they're trying to make us reach ire later, screwing us out of the pensions they've only just in-debt linked to yearnings. If only the immigraines had stayed in the enveloping world. And then the war on't error's still got to be paid for: army can't fight Iraqi detergents otherwise. And whatever happened to that nude eel they promised the socially extruded? Still, it'll be different once Brown's pry minister.

Adrian Fry

No 3963 Poor visibility

Set by Ian Birchall

Air travel is reduced to chaos by thick fog. Write an article for a well-known newspaper explaining why this is really the fault of: a) political correctness, b) asylum-seekers, c) a well-known politician.

Max 125 words by 25 January
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk