Proof that Tony B is packing his bags in Sedgefield is slipped into my grubby hands: a copy of his constituency party minutes. The outgoing premier maintains in public that he intends to remain an MP after resigning as PM. I beg to differ after reading the official account of a meeting that took place on 28 October behind the closed doors of Trimdon Labour Club. The chair felt "the constituency would be strengthened if the selection process for Tony's successor is conducted in a fraternal way and expressed hope a candidate could be chosen from within the constituency". Mrs Geordie's drains' problems will soon lack the allure of calls from George Bush.

A game of "Whoisit?" in Strangers after Red Dave boasted to a snout how his "friends" in No 10 insist Tony B is still seeking an Anyone But Brown candidate. Cameron's intelligence may be out of date but the first victims of Big Gordie's purge will be a social wing suspected of valuing friendship with Notting Hellers over loyalty to Labour. Red Dave's offensive to woo back the city, incidentally, is faltering. I hear Bhs billionaire Sir Philip Green left a chinwag distinctly underwhelmed: when the high-street buccaneer asked Cameron what three things he'd do for his business, the toff replied that he'd get wallpaper heir George "Boy" Osborne to speak to him. A case surely of two blanks and a dud.

Talking of blocking candidates in Labour's bun fight, Mrs Pepperpot, aka Hazel Blears, is given little chance of seizing the deputy's tiara should the biker throw her helmet into the ring. Cynical colleagues claim she is being talked up by mischievous males to ruin the chances of Harriet "Hapless Hattie" Harman by splitting the sisters. I merely repeat what I heard from a male MP, playing up Mrs Pepperpot's prospects, while preparing to vote for Alan "Mr Quiffy" Johnson. Machiavelli would have been dismissed as an amateur.

Tony B parachuted into Pakistan and Afghanistan; Big Gordie self-consciously donned a flak jacket over, rather than under, his shirt in Iraq; Red Dave went tieless in Sudan as he oozed compassion. What of Ming the Merciless? Lib Dem young guns disloyally claim their pensioner leader will go abroad soon. On a Saga holiday.

Back to those Sedgefield CLP minutes where Maureen, a visitor to September's Labour jamboree, is to auction off the "Tony we love you" placard she held during Tony B's farewell speech. I'd swear the writing in felt-tipped pen bore a striking resemblance to the hand of Margaret McDonagh, Blair's one-time party general secretary who, with moneyed Waheed Alli, form Robominister John Reid's praetorian guard.

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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