Report by Ms de Meaner

Welcome to newbies Linda Gomez and Gill Corbitt. Hon menshes to Brendan Beary ("There are four serial ports on the underside of a cow"), El Basilio ("The fork 'spears' the food") and third newbie Jan Rivers ("These are the needles - they are the hardware"). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (Ian Birchall) gets the Tesco vouchers.

Having a conversation

First squeeze through your bedroom doorway? Cool. Now find your parents. Those things like cash machines but you also get, like, food? OK, not real food obviously, but that, like, totally random disgusting green Jamie Oliver stuff? Anyway, if they talk to you, don't panic: they've blatantly been on a parenting course. If they're like "What did you do at school?", don't sniff and say "Oh, let's see, about 25 milligrams?" Try this: ATM: "Good day at school?" You: "Yeah right, whatever. Lend us a tenner?"If they're like "Ooooh the art of conversation . ", you SO don't say they're sad and well out of order till you've got the dosh?

David Silverman

Baking scones

Grab stuff like FLOUR (white powder), BUTTER (yellow, in fridge), SUGAR (white, sweet), BAKING POWDER (white, tastes naff) and MILK (white). Rub butter and flour together in BIG BOWL until it gets REALLY BORING, then throw rest of stuff in and massage until it's disgusting and yukky and roll on to table and get your sister's REALLY expensive bracelet and cut out round bits and put on to GREASED TIN. Throw into REALLY hot oven and slam door shut. Wait for 20 minutes (BORING!) and then open oven door, grab stuff and stuff your face.

Patrick O'Byrne,

Cleaning the floor

You're like holding this incredibly bristly thing? It's all like gelled up hair on a punk? With a really long incredibly straight handle? The handle's the bit you're holding it by? You have to get the bristle end on the like floor? And then hey, pull it towards you, so all the bits of dust and pizza are all in this gross pile of yuck? Then you get a pan and this really small brush? in the other hand? and sweep it in the pan and then dump all the yuck in the bin, which is that like plastic thing? Why? Because, is why.

Josh Ekroy

Using a telephone

Imagine - I know it's hard - you haven't got a mobile. You desperately need to tell someone you were "on the train". You look for a humongous walk-in mobile standing in the street. You get right inside and shut the door. What's really gross is that nobody can hear what you're saying. You need money. Only half the slots work, so it's like a fruit machine video game; you have to find one that works before your money runs out. The buttons are just like a proper mobile (except you can't text) and much bigger like for really old people. Finally, if necessary, you can pee in it.

Ian Birchall

No 3957 Wanted: man/woman

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

We want heartsearch ads from a famous novelist of your choice.

Many as you like by 23 November

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk