Tony teaches Leo history, George suggests bringing back an old friend, David does the dirty on Gordon, while his dog suffers an identity crisis.
Scene 1: The Blairs' apartment inside Downing Street. Tony is teaching Leo 21st-century history.
Tony: Yesterday we saw how I gave power back to the communities in Britain. Today, we'll see how I'm planning to do the same for Iraq.
Are you listening?
Leo [yawning]: Yes, Daddy.
Tony spreads out a Foreign Office chart showing the new borders of Iraq.
Tony: Now, Iraq used to be one huge gi-normous country. Big mess. Now it's three little 'uns. Much easier.
Leo: Why?
Tony: Well, Iraq's like a naughty classroom. You have to separate the troublemakers until they've calmed down and can sit together nicely and get on with their work. [Pointing to the map] So, here's the Sunni rhombus - covering Baghdad and the west. And in the north we have independent Kurdistan. And the south becomes Moqtada al-Sadr's shiny new Islamic Republic. Lovely. In fact, if it weren't so multicultural, it'd be very new Labour.
An aide enters.
Aide: White House on line two.
Tony: Thanks.
The aide goes out. Tony picks up the phone.
Bush: Yo Blair!
Tony: Er, yo, George.
Bush: Bad news about the carve-up. Rummy says it's the Balkans all over again - whatever the hell that means.
Tony: But it's the only way to bring peace. They've been at each other's throats for three years. Half a million dead already.
Bush: Rummy says no. We've got to find a local hard-man to hold the place together.
Tony: Oh, great. Let's bring back Saddam.
Bush: Hey. Good idea.
Tony: I was joking, George. He's on trial for mass murder.
Bush: Maybe he can beat the rap.
Tony: Genocide!
Bush: Why not? He's lucky he hasn't been caught defrauding American shareholders. Remind me, what's the evidence against him?
Tony: He launched a gas attack on Kurdish civilians.
Bush: OK, I don't have much time to spend on this. You're the lawyer. Come up with an explanation.
Tony: Er, well, we could announce they were actually gassed by Shia militants who'd infiltrated the Ba'ath Party.
Bush: I don't know what that means, but it sounds good. Let's go with that. Hey, when Saddam's back in charge, why not invite him to see the Queen? I loved the part when she told me the names of all those funny-looking dogs.
Tony: This is crazy, George. You're taking four years of foreign policy and turning it on its head.
Bush: Well, we had a saying in the governor's office back in Texas. Policy is like an 18-ounce steak. It doesn't go down too well unless you flip it. Hey, talk soon, friend. Here comes Rummy with the golf clubs.
Click. Dial-tone.
Scene 2: The Ivy. David Blunkett is taking Gordon Brown out to dinner.
Blunkett: So, apart from the joy of your company, Gordon, I wanted to ask - any chance of a return to government?
Gordon: Nope.
Blunkett: I know I don't read as fast as . . .
Gordon: Irrelevant, David. The point is this: my cabinet will be full of talent, not self-pitying, self-serving hysterics who blame every crisis on their staff.
Blunkett: But you're forgetting, I'm a useful ally - very close to the
editor of the Daily Mail.
Gordon: Ideologically? Yes, I've noticed.
Blunkett: He owes me a lot of favours.
Gordon: Listen, you're fine in opposition. But one sniff of power and you start ordering prisoners to be mown down with machine-guns. If I want Al Capone in my cabinet I'll ask John Reid. It's over, I'm afraid. Now, excuse me a second.
Gordon gets up and heads to the Gents. Blunkett waits a moment, then switches on his Dictaphone.
Blunkett [whispering]: Over dinner at London's celebrity studded Ivy restaurant, the sort of restaurant I find distasteful, Gordon confirmed that I'd been Tony's greatest asset. He then vowed to restore me to my rightful place at the Home Office. Only later did I discover he planned to sling me out like a bag of old tripe. Sadly, his treachery was tinged with a patronising attitude towards my disability, but I've learned to overcome the bad faith of my . . .
Gordon [creeping up on him]: Ha! Got you.
Blunkett: Gordon?
Gordon: You disloyal bastard.
Blunkett: You were snooping on me.
Gordon [grabbing the Dictaphone]: I'll take that.
He pulls out the tape.
Blunkett: Help! He's taking advantage of me. Get him, Sadie. Attack, Sadie!
Blunkett's obedient guide dog leaps up, jaws agape, scampers across the floor and sinks her teeth into the leg of Sadie Frost. She kicks out in agony, sending the dog flying into the dessert trolley. Blunkett rushes to the rescue and collides with a waiter carrying six main courses. The dog goes berserk, biting diners at random. Chaos ensues. Gordon stands on a chair to restore calm.
Gordon: OK, friends. It's all part of the stable and orderly . . . aghagh!
Blunkett blunders into him and Gordon crashes to the floor.
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