Report by Ms de Meaner
Hmm. Some of your entries were so disgusting that I had to take steps to stop the babies' ears. OK, OK, modern world and all that. But "golden showers" and "bondage" from one entrant and "an illegal" being chased "all around the workbench" because "Mummy thought he was on the run" from another, although the latter did say he had been on holiday and come back "reinvigorated".
No hon menshes this week. £20 to the winners, though, the best of whom, El Basilio, also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Sleep little babe, don't cry, don't moan:
Mama's gonna buy you a mobile phone;
And if that mobile phone don't ring,
Mama's gonna buy you some serious bling.
And if that serious bling's too chav,
Mama's gonna buy you a cool sat nav;
And if that cool sat nav don't work,
Mama's gonna buy you a brand new Merc.
So go to sleep; don't whinge; don't blub:
'Cos Mummy's gonna buy you a football club.
So sleep, pretty baby. Chill. Relax.
'Cos baby ain't payin' no inheritance tax,
'Cos whether that club goes up or down,
There ain't nothin' left for Gordon Brown.
David Silverman
E-mail your daddy,
My online laddie.
Fax to your daddy,
My turned-on boy.
Tell him you wish he'd
Install a dishy
Then we'd have eighty
Channels in the sky.
Shirley Curran
Like you are so sleepy
So not what you're not
Like you are well sleepy
Babes, you are so hot
Like be unproactive
iPod, iRaq, iRan
Sleep is your strategic
Target action plan
Bill Greenwell
Hush little baby, don't you fret.
Daddy's gonna surf on the internet.
And if that internet don't load
Daddy's gonna go into standby mode.
And if that standby mode should pall
Daddy's gonna try to reinstall.
And if that proves a no-go zone
Daddy's gonna get on the helpline phone.
And if that helpline don't reply
Daddy's gonna have to think blue-sky.
And if that speculation's pants
Daddy's gonna go into postal rants.
And if that rage becomes a pain
Daddy's gonna freebase crack cocaine.
Hush little baby, go to sleep.
Daddy just got tired of mission creep.
Basil Ransome-Davies
No 3952 What do you think?
Set by John Crick
Dude, Where's My Country? Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? The interrogative book title has a long and august history. Let's have suggestions for the bestsellers of 2007.
As many goes as you like. Entries in by 19 October
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
