Sarah gives acting lessons, Gordon eyes a trust fund, Cherie smacks a snapper, while Tony tells Kofi he's washing his hair.
Scene 1: The Browns' flat above No 10. Sarah is multi-tasking: listening to Gordon's speech, opening cards for Fraser and totting up the value of cheques payable to his child trust fund.
Gordon: "Conference, people keep asking me, how will a Brown government feel? I tell you it'll feel good." [Beat] Should I do that in an American accent? "Feel gooood."
Sarah: No.
Gordon: Right. What's next?
Sarah: "Especially if you're a child."
Gordon: Ah, yes. "Because no child will suffer from poverty. No child will suffer from inequality . . ." Darling, what are you doing?
Sarah: Adding up Fraser's cheques.
Gordon: You're putting me off. "No child will . . ."
Sarah: Oh my God!
Gordon: What?
Sarah: Fraser's trust fund is worth nearly 78K.
Gordon: We'll deal with that later. Where was I?
Sarah: Poverty.
Gordon: "No child will suffer from . . ." [Beat] Did you say 78p?
Sarah: Seventy-eight thousand.
Gordon: Who sent him all that?
Sarah: Labour MPs, mostly.
Gordon: Well, that's just great.
Sarah: It's wonderful.
Gordon: It's a disaster! There's a limit of £1,200 a year so the rich can't dodge inheritance tax.
Sarah: Oh well, we'll just have to send the cheques back.
Gordon: We can't do that. It's his money. I'll have to find a way to tiptoe around it.
Sarah: Won't that be sort of "stealing" from the Revenue?
Gordon: How can I steal from the Revenue? I am the Revenue. Get a pen and write this down. "No child will suffer from the iniquities of inheritance tax."
Scene 2: The Blairs' flat. Cherie is being photographed for Hello!. Leo is perched on the arm of her chair. He wiggles two fingers behind her head.
Leo: Mummy's got rabbit ears!
Cherie: Not funny, darling.
Leo: Rabbit ears! Rabbit ears!
Cherie moves as if to hit him. He flinches, falls and lands on a cushion, laughing.
Cherie [anxiously to the photographer]: You, er, didn't get that did you?
Photographer: Nah. Anyway, you're only messing around.
Cherie: Thank you! People just can't take a joke any more.
Photographer: Shocking, isn't it. Hey, here's a good one. Instead of Hello! we'll call this issue Goodbye!.
Cherie: Ha ha ha.
She smacks him in the face.
Scene 3: Tony is practising his conference speech in front of a mirror. He is close to tears.
Tony: "Conference, I reaffirm my commitment to Africa."
The phone rings.
Tony [picking up]: Tony.
Aide: Kofi Annan for you.
Tony: Tell him - um, I'm washing my hair.
Aide: I said you'd take it.
Tony: Oh, bollocks. OK. Put him through.
He waits for the click.
Tony: Hi, Kofi. How's the planet? You know what I admire about you is . . .
Kofi: Cut the bullshit, Tony. I'm calling about Darfur. We need forces on the ground. Now.
Tony: Yes. I'd love to help, but we haven't got the right equipment. And our commanders don't know anything about the region.
Kofi: Right! You love sending troops to places like that.
Tony: Yeah, but we're totally overstretched.
Kofi: I don't need much. Just 100 men. To get the ball rolling.
Tony: We haven't got a soldier to spare. Literally.
Kofi: How about the guys guarding the Queen?
Tony: They're in Afghanistan. Honestly. She's being guarded by actors.
Kofi: But you've got soldiers all over the place in London, standing outside those castles and palaces.
Tony: They're all made of cardboard.
Kofi: What?
Tony: Don't tell anyone, but it's true. Now, I can spare you some ammo, and a few crutches, maybe, but that's all.
Kofi: I thought you were going to save Africa.
Tony: Yes, yes but, you know, priorities and all that. Have you tried Norway? Or Portugal?
Kofi: I've tried everyone. All I've got is a helicopter from Paraguay, some sticking plasters from Liechtenstein. And Iceland has promised a box of cod.
Tony: Great. That's a very effective fighting force, Kofi. Well done. Now, I've got loads of stuff to . . .
Kofi: Don't hang up on me, Tony.
Tony: But I'm working on a vital speech . . .
Kofi: This is life and death.
Tony: Right . . . Ooh. Got a call on the other line.
Kofi: They all say that. You leaders! Bunch of liars. Please. You've got to help me.
Tony thinks fast.
Tony: OK. Here's what I'll do. [Beat] Oh my God! Security alert.
Tony half covers the receiver and imitates an alarm.
Tony: Whooo-ooh - whoo-oooh.
Kofi: Don't do this to me, Tony.
Tony: The building's on fire! I'll call you back - if I get out alive. Whooo-ooh - whoo-oooh.
He starts coughing theatrically.
Kofi: You bastard.
Tony: What? Can't hear you! The room's filling with smoke. Cherie! Save yourself. I'll get the baby!
Tony bangs down the phone.
Tony: Phew.
He returns to the mirror. Tears spring to his eyes. His voice cracks.
Tony: Conference, I . . . I reaffirm my commitment to Africa.
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