Politics
Rory's Week: Nothing much going on, Iraq and Afghanistan tickety-boo, let's have a good ruck
Published 18 September 2006
Has Labour set itself on a path of self-destruction? Does Charles Clarke shit in the woods? The only surprise about the very public row was that it took so long in coming. Blair's allies must hope that after Gordon Brown received a few choice character references from Clarke and others, the Chancellor's official threat level has been downgraded from critical (imminent risk of attack) to severe (risk of attack real, but not imminent). As dear Patrick Moore used to say, we just don’t know.
John Reid, the man charged with issuing threat assessments (and, for that matter, issuing threats), was particularly quiet. Come to think of it, he does now work for the Home Office so it's possible that he's gone missing and nobody knows his whereabouts. Perhaps he should be tagged so we know where he is and what he's up to. A pilot scheme involving John Prescott was due to begin in late spring, with Pauline's approval, but after Labour's poor local election results and the departure of the aforementioned Clarke the idea was shelved.
I'm not entirely sure why all the leadership stuff came out last week; it's possible Labour MPs took a look around and thought, "Nothing much happening: Lebanon's gone quiet, Iraq and Afghanistan all tickety-boo, public service reform and NHS software programme on track, Tories flatlining, let's have a good ruck." More likely it was the sight of Blair rejuvenated after his holiday and talking about all he still wanted to do that got the Brown fedayeen going. All the same, it's ironic that, on the anniversary of 9/11, Labour's own twin towers should sustain a massive and possibly devastating hit. The first tower, Blair, is about to collapse and the second, Brown, may be fatally damaged.
For my own part, I suspect that Blair doesn't actually want Brown to succeed and is buying time for a rival candidate (or indeed David Cameron) to mature. Certainly everything he said last month about the need to intervene in the case of dysfunctional and disruptive individuals even before they are born would extend to stopping the Chancellor.
Which raises the question: if not Gordon, then who? Whether it was the warm weather or the glass of red wine he was holding (at four in the afternoon, which must have brought back happy memories for Charles Kennedy), I can't imagine what Clarke meant when he said Alan Milburn was leadership material. Unless he meant Alan Johnson, although to me the same applies. Milburn isn't even leadership material in his own house; I very much doubt that he has sufficient popularity in the Labour Party, let alone outside. But then there is, somewhere in the world, a tribe that worships the Duke of Edinburgh, so I suppose anything's possible.
Given the interminable talent shows on TV - from The X Factor to How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? - Labour might consider auditioning likely candidates, with, say, Alastair Campbell as Simon Cowell, Cherie in the Sharon Osbourne role and Clarke making up the trio of judges. If they need a camp, witty presenter, Peter Mandelson is available, though none of the above would boost Gordon's chances much. Maybe Gwyneth Dunwoody should take Sharon's part.
I must have a word with my agent about typecasting.
"Bremner, Bird and Fortune" returns to Channel 4 on 23 September at 7pm
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