Set by Hank T Romein We've all heard of tennis elbow and housemaid's knee. We asked you to name and detail some other complaints

Report by Ms de Meaner

First welcome to these newbies: Ian Blake, Nigel Evans, Kevin Francis, Melanie Loveridge, Peter Shields and Humphrey Evans and Ros Spry. This week's winners were particularly good (£20 each), with Adrian Fry's going off the scale. He gets the Tesco vouchers in addition, for wonderfulness beyond the call of duty.

Builder's palsy: This is caused by excessive shaking of the head from side to side when being vague about estimates, eg, "I can't even give you a rough idea of what it'll cost to repoint your chimney until I've got the floorboards up, seen whether there's dry rot in your pantry and checked the plaster in the bathroom for microscopic deterioration - and that'll need a specialist contractor's report - but it'll cost you. I couldn't even say whether you're talking about four or five figures. I mean, there could be lead in your water pipes."

J Seery

Waiter's amnesia: Like epilepsy, this takes two forms, though it is common for waiting staff to be afflicted with both. The lesser form means you are brought something to eat which is not remotely what you ordered. A severe attack will mean you get no food, and indeed no further recognition of your existence. Some incomplete research suggests that the high incidence of resting actors among those serving in restaurants may be relevant.

G M Davis

Benefit officer's face: Combining contempt, indifference, sloth and malice in a single facial expression would stretch even our finest actors, but a localised paralysis prevalent among those working at the front line of our crumbling benefit system achieves it every time. Once thought to be caused by a thickening of the skin. Scientists now believe the condition is a defensive reaction, on the part of the countenance, to the customers with whom it is compelled to deal. Medical practitioners are split over treatment, with some claiming that simplification of the benefit system would alleviate the tension at the root of the condition. Others, more familiar with the system, maintain that regular face transplants would be more cost-effective.

Adrian Fry

The etiology of politician's tongue (or, to use the medical term, lingua bifurcata senato populoque mendax) is uncertain. In the initial stages, the tongue appears to split at its tip soon after the patient enters public life. After a time the cleft accentuates, until eventually the subject has two tongues, each capable of communicating an entirely different message. The condition is alarming at first, but the owner soon adapts, rather like a pianist playing with two hands, becoming surprisingly proficient in what is technically known as dichotomous expression. Some believe the condition is actually part of a syndrome, including symptoms such as nasus elongatus and a peculiar singeing of the upper legs, caused by spontaneous combustion of the subject's pants.

David Silverman

No 3948 Vegemate

Set by Valerie Yule

Innovative ways to make use of pests, please - animal or vegetable.

Max 120 words by 21 September
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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