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Set by Valerie Yule
We asked for dual-purpose exercises that would a) help you lose weight while fighting heart disease and b) get the house clean and in order
Report by Ms de Meaner
Welcome to newbies Maria Ellis, Robert Handyside and John Muckle. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers.
Washing up
Research shows washing dishes in warm, soapy water releases highly beneficial endorphins and pheromones more efficiently than any other activity. The rhythmic rubbing of dishcloth on plates and especially greasy pans, combined with chemicals in the water, stimulates tiny microscopic membranes on human skin, which in turn release the above chemicals. Intriguingly, in men the effect is radically different: not only is there a total absence of chemical activity, but alarming reductions in sperm count have been noted. The reason is unclear, although it has been suggested that male skin harbours even tinier sub-microscopic "inhibitors", which reverse the reaction. On the positive side, activities that produce the same reaction in men include watching cricket while sipping lager or Chardonnay. For evolutionary scientists, the implications for the human species are clear and urgent.
David Silverman
Cleaning windows
Put on an old army haversack with eight house bricks in it. Then, with soapy water, clean water, sponge, squeegee and polishing paper, set about doing the upstairs windows. Each pane gets 1,000 rubs with soapy water, 1,800 rubs with clean water, then squeegeed and 1,200 rubs with kitchen tissue. Calculate the total number of square millimetres you'll cover times rubs; convert this to pounds and imagine you're a multimillionaire. Then go like the clappers and hum Fauré's Requiem while you're at it. You'll do a decent-sized bay window in 12 minutes, lose half a stone in weight and be utterly knackered, but my goodness, the hubris! Reward yourself with a fag and a can of Guinness. Then on with the motley.
Sid Field
Peelates
This is a form of finger exercise and thumb conditioning developed by Eileen Winthorpe, who was born in Skegness in 1949. As a child, she contended with weak knuckles, stiff fingers and sore thumbs due to exposure to sea air. Determined to overcome her physical limitations, she developed an exercise regime that was immensely fulfilling. The objective? To achieve better manual dexterity and strength, and improvement in co-ordination between knife, digits and potato.
The Warm-Up: Prepare boiler by inserting in warm, salty water.
The Rotation: Place spud between forefinger and thumb of left hand. Rotate in anti-clockwise direction.
The Grasper: Knife in right hand.
The Unwinding: Start shedding skin in circular movements.
You are now in full peeling mode! Repeat exercise until spuds for family of eight are prepared.
John O'Byrne
No 3945 Body parts
Set by Hank T Romein
We've all heard of tennis elbow and housemaid's knee, but what about London taxi driver's hippocampus (cramming in the Knowledge)? Please detail and name the anatomical abnormalities associated with other occupations.
Max 150 words by 31 August
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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