The use of Prestwick to send bombs to Israel became a health and safety issue

I've always had a soft spot for Margaret Beckett, ever since I got lost on the Chatsworth estate after a Devon Malcolm benefit evening and Madge gave me a lift back to my hotel. There was something refreshingly unspun about her, and I enjoyed the way she tutted her displeasure at footling questions from Paxman and the rest: it put me in mind of Princess Anne. I remember reading somewhere - Caravan Weekly, I think, though it's not a publication I remember buying - that Madge and her husband Leo are keen caravanners, "and always look for a mains hook-up where possible".

I imagine a few people last week would have quite liked to connect Madge to the mains. She was indignant that the US was using Prestwick Airport to send bunker-buster bombs to Israel, yet somehow made it sound like the issue was one of health and safety. She defended her policy (or rather Blair's - no, make that Bush's) of sanctioning the Israeli onslaught on Lebanon by saying you had to be careful in this situation, as a wrong move could lead to something catastrophic. Well, in Qana, it has. It's not Israel's right to self-defence that inflames critics, but its tactics, which are militarily ineffective, indiscriminate and, as a strategy in the war on terror, hugely counter-productive.

We know what Jack Straw thinks about it. What is it about being made Leader of the House that turns the occupant into a voice for Labour's conscience? How the party misses Robin Cook. And how about this, from the splendidly named Sir Laming Worthington-Evans, secretary of state for war nearly a century ago: "If the Arab population realised that the peaceful control of Mesopotamia ultimately depends on our intention of bombing women and children, I'm very doubtful if we shall gain that acquiescence of the fathers and husbands of Mesopotamia to which the Secretary of State for the Colonies looks forward." He was referring to Iraq in the 1920s; he could have been talking about Lebanon now.

Doubtless Madge will reflect on this as she heads off in her caravan. We can only hope she finds a pitch between a couple of Israelis in a Hymer-Nova and a family of Lebanese in an old Sprite Clubman. As trouble flares among the butane cylinders, hook-up leads and Calor gas stoves, and the Israelis respond to Lebanese provocation by ordering a precision-guided attack on the UN couple living in a mobile home at the end of the row, I wonder if she'll still be saying that "we'd all like a ceasefire, but it needs to be a permanent one".

Of all the solutions to the Middle East crisis, the neatest one I've heard is from John Fortune, who suggests we simply swap Cuba and Israel around. That way the Israelis are close to their relatives in Florida and the Cubans can teach the Palestinians some Latino dancing.

Congratulations to Gordon Brown, a father once more. Now both he and the leader of the opposition can boast newborn babies. Just Ming to go. No wonder he looks so tired. Never mind. At 66, Elspeth's not too old to give birth, and that old Liberal slogan from the 1970s ("One more heave!") may come in useful. In the meantime I'm looking forward to the other two dealing with PMQs on two hours' sleep. It'll certainly give a new spin to the phrase: "In addition to my duties in the house . . ." Expect an imminent reduction in VAT on Calpol.

A Times piece suggested I help Freddie Flintoff prepare some one-liners for the Ashes campaign. He doesn't need them. A recent benefit dinner showed he's up to the challenge. A fan asked what Freddie said to Brett Lee when he famously consoled the Australian bowler after England's epic victory at Old Trafford. The audience expected something sporting about a great contest. Freddie had other ideas: "What I actually said was: 'It's 1-1, you Aussie bastard!'"

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