Set by Dipak Ghosh In order to help Tony Blair (or his ghost-writer), we asked for suggestions for a title for his autobiography summing up his time at No 10, plus either an opening or final paragraph

Report by Ms de Meaner

Welcome to newbies Roger Iredale, Jonathan Wakeham and David Wedmore. £20 to the winners, the best of whom (David Silverman) also gets the Tesco vouchers. Some of you thought up some good titles. You merely get the fame.

The Great Brain Robbery

"People aren't that stupid," said Charlie, as we quaffed champagne one evening. "On the contrary," I retorted. "I'll bet you I could -

"Take the country into a futile war on the basis of blatantly forged evidence;

"Persuade people that the only way to improve public services is by allowing private companies to take huge profits out of them;

"Increase the gap between rich and poor while still taking money off the trade unions;

"Win three elections in a row and get over 25 per cent in the fourth;

"And all that while constantly accompanied by a wife who smirks like a badly drawn cartoon character."

"You're on," said Charlie. "Ten grand. Though how you'll pay up when you're a failed lawyer working for the CPS I've no idea."

And that was how it all started . . .

Ian Birchall

Blazza: the glory years

(By Tony Blair and Hunter Davies)

All right, obviously it hasn't all been plain sailing. I'm not saying it has, but at the end of the day, y'know, if you look at the totality of what I did, if someone had said ten years ago, "Yo, Blazza, you'll still be in power; you'll have the NHS in financial ruin from Carlisle to Tottenham; you'll be quizzed by the police over fraud allegations; you'll have thousands of British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and more planned for Lebanon, Syria and Iran; you'll have seen off Saddam, Peter Mandelson (twice), Humphrey the Cat, the Princess of Wales, David Blunkett (twice), three Doctor Whos and Billie Piper, Tim Henman, socialism and the Spice Girls", y'know, I'd have settled for that.

David Silverman

I Got It Right

. . . a typical piece of back-stabbing, of course, and don't imagine I don't know who was behind it, oh they think they're awfully clever, working in the dark, plotting to undermine me, and not only me actually, just think of what they did to Peter, they couldn't wait to stick the knife in, then there was David, you couldn't sink lower than picking on a blind man, but of course the real offence was being loyal to me, in the face of the jeerers and debunkers who were always bringing up the Dome, like that was my fault, and then there was John, call him a rough diamond but at least he's not a one-eyed git living next door and stirring it, so eat my shorts.

G M Davis

Ten Out of Ten

Sid Field

Yo, Bush

Roger Iredale

Behind the Bible-black Door

(By Tony Blair and Dylan Thomas)

Susan Therkelsen

No 3943 Lost in translation

Set by Valerie Yule

We'd like you to translate some well-known piece of oratory, fictional or real, into Bushspeak.

Max 150 words by 17 August

E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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