Report by Ms de Meaner
Most of you made the leap from "heterosexual" and "married" into total respectability - all the way up to "golf club" and "taxpayer". Good thinking, my doves. £5 tokens for the singletons; the rest get £15 each, except for Anne Du Croz, who wins £20 and the Tesco vouchers. Welcome to newbies Ian MacIntyre and Philippa "Not Sure if the Comp is Open to Computerless Luddites" Legg. Perish the thought, Ms Legg.
Nuptial (napshorl): nagging, esp. to marry - "Had to dump her. She went all nuptial on me."
Spouse: to exploit, esp. financially - "Ain't havin' him spousing off my bank account no more."
Hetero: boringly conventional person - "This club's crap; they're all heteros here."
Bride: young woman who rejects her friends, seeking status and consumer goods - "Is she with us? Nah! She's an absolute bride!"
Wife (derog): teenage gang leader's sidekick (cf: Organ-grinder's monkey) - "I'll speak to the Big Man, not to 'is wife."
Wedding party: gang initiation ritual in which the recruit is beasted - "Bronco got tarred and fevvered at his wedding party."
Hitched: untrustworthy, owing to possible status as police informer - "Don't shoot your mouf off around Diggsy - he's likely hitched."
Anne Du Croz
Married: a tax dodger.
Hetero: has untidy room and terrible dress sense.
Straight: a liar.
David Silverman
Banns: graffiti commemorating a sexual conquest. "You must have known Krystelle's a slag. The banns 'ave bin up in the bogs down All Bar One for weeks!"
Plighting of the troth: the point in a relationship at which your partner can be trusted. "Just let's get the troth plighted and we can hide the stash at her place."
Adrian Fry
Devout: someone who worships himself.
Focused: a lad who's "obsessed with one thing".
Taxpayer: someone who always believes he does more for others than others do for him, as in: "He's a total taxpayer."
J Seery
Ovaltine: name for any drink or drug thought not to pack much of a punch.
Golf club: free rave that's trying to go legal (ie, charge). See Golfer: anyone willing to sacrifice street cred for a conventional lifestyle. The man who famously shouted "Judas"at Bob Dylan, might, in similar circumstances today, shout "golfer".
Executive: irretrievably naff, esp. of a mobile phone a commuter in a cheap suit would use on a train.
Keith Norman
Married: dead.
Michael Berry
Married: on your own.
Harry Glenister
No 3941 Future imperfect
Set by Valerie Yule
A poet rewrites some of her/his nature poetry to fit in with the scene in 2050 at Westminster Bridge, Lake Innisfree, the shores of Gitchee Gummee or wherever.
Poems to be in by 3 August
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
