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Abuse of terms No 3938

Published 24 July 2006

Set by Ian Birchall You were asked to supply new terms of abuse using words at the other end of the sexual spectrum from that used by Chris Moyles ("gay" to mean "lame" or "stupid")

Report by Ms de Meaner

Most of you made the leap from "heterosexual" and "married" into total respectability - all the way up to "golf club" and "taxpayer". Good thinking, my doves. £5 tokens for the singletons; the rest get £15 each, except for Anne Du Croz, who wins £20 and the Tesco vouchers. Welcome to newbies Ian MacIntyre and Philippa "Not Sure if the Comp is Open to Computerless Luddites" Legg. Perish the thought, Ms Legg.

Nuptial (napshorl): nagging, esp. to marry - "Had to dump her. She went all nuptial on me."

Spouse: to exploit, esp. financially - "Ain't havin' him spousing off my bank account no more."

Hetero: boringly conventional person - "This club's crap; they're all heteros here."

Bride: young woman who rejects her friends, seeking status and consumer goods - "Is she with us? Nah! She's an absolute bride!"

Wife (derog): teenage gang leader's sidekick (cf: Organ-grinder's monkey) - "I'll speak to the Big Man, not to 'is wife."

Wedding party: gang initiation ritual in which the recruit is beasted - "Bronco got tarred and fevvered at his wedding party."

Hitched: untrustworthy, owing to possible status as police informer - "Don't shoot your mouf off around Diggsy - he's likely hitched."

Anne Du Croz

Married: a tax dodger.

Hetero: has untidy room and terrible dress sense.

Straight: a liar.

David Silverman

Banns: graffiti commemorating a sexual conquest. "You must have known Krystelle's a slag. The banns 'ave bin up in the bogs down All Bar One for weeks!"

Plighting of the troth: the point in a relationship at which your partner can be trusted. "Just let's get the troth plighted and we can hide the stash at her place."

Adrian Fry

Devout: someone who worships himself.

Focused: a lad who's "obsessed with one thing".

Taxpayer: someone who always believes he does more for others than others do for him, as in: "He's a total taxpayer."

J Seery

Ovaltine: name for any drink or drug thought not to pack much of a punch.

Golf club: free rave that's trying to go legal (ie, charge). See Golfer: anyone willing to sacrifice street cred for a conventional lifestyle. The man who famously shouted "Judas"at Bob Dylan, might, in similar circumstances today, shout "golfer".

Executive: irretrievably naff, esp. of a mobile phone a commuter in a cheap suit would use on a train.

Keith Norman

Married: dead.

Michael Berry

Married: on your own.

Harry Glenister

No 3941 Future imperfect

Set by Valerie Yule

A poet rewrites some of her/his nature poetry to fit in with the scene in 2050 at Westminster Bridge, Lake Innisfree, the shores of Gitchee Gummee or wherever.

Poems to be in by 3 August
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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