Gordon has a gloat and Tony has a nasty surprise, while his cashier desperately seeks help from his mate Alvin
Scene 1: Tony’s office. Gordon breezes in.
Gordon: Morning, Tony. Got a question.
Tony: What?
Gordon: Who's running the country while you're in the police station?
Tony: Get lost, Gordon.
Gordon: Just trying to help. Oh, you may be needing this.
Gordon presents him with a box of porridge oats.
Gordon [beaming]: From your friends at the Treasury.
Tony grabs the box and throws it at him.
Scene 2. Colindale Police Station. The interview suite. Tony is greeted by Deputy Assistant Commissioner John Yates.
Tony: Hi, John.
Yates: Take a seat, Mr Blair. You're entitled to have a solicitor present.
Tony: Yeah. I decided to leave her at home.
Yates: Now, I have some questions for you.
Tony: Righto, I'm always happy to listen to questions.
Yates: Has the Labour Party been selling honours?
Tony: Now, I'm glad you brought that up. These are very serious allegations and the police are looking into the whole thing. I say, let them do their work and we'll study the results with interest.
Yates: Yes, this is the police investigation.
Tony: And you're doing a great job. Take as long as you want. Use all the paper you can. I'm determined to get to the bottom of this.
Yates: Then you'll be equally determined to tell me whether honours are being sold.
Tony: I'd love to comment, but I'm afraid anything I say is bound to prejudice the outcome of the investigation which has my full support and which . . .
Yates: Mr Blair. If you don't answer, I'll place it on the record that you failed to co-operate with the inquiry.
Tony: Er, right, I see. [Mutters] Bloody hell. Think!
Yates: Have you ever sold an honour?
Tony: Er, me? Absolutely not, Sir John. Never. Honours are not for sale, as you know yourself, Sir John, honours are in the gift of the Prime Minister. He awards them to people, like for example, public servants who run, erm, busy inquiries like this one, and who work jolly hard conducting interviews, meeting lots of witnesses and producing a big boring report at the end that says nothing in particular. If you see what I mean, Sir John.
Yates gazes at him frostily.
Yates: Seen this? We found it in Lord Levy's bedroom under a stack of unsold copies of "My Coo Ca Choo".
He passes Tony a glossy lambskin booklet adorned with silk tassels. Tony reads it.
"Welcome to a world of prestige and privilege. Yes, you've arrived. You've got the ranch, the jet and the Caribbean island, but you need something extra. An honour gives you an indefinable air of dignity and glamour. Use it anywhere. On notepaper, business cards, your golf-bag, even on your gravestone. A gong is a luxury that lasts.
"Titles and awards to suit all purses. From an MBE for your cleaning lady to a hereditary dukedom for yourself and your successors.
"Your birthday honours. Pick'n'mix from our selection. Award your wife the CBE, make your mistress a dame and give your children the Order of Merit. Group discounts available.
"Revere your ancestors. You can't raise dear old grandpa from the dead but you can raise him to the peerage with one of our special retrospective titles.
"Prices from £50,000. Call Lord Levy now, using the password 'Stardust'. Bookings made before October 2006 attract 15 per cent discount. After that, availability may be subject to restrictions."
Tony closes the booklet and gulps.
Yates: Well?
Tony: Do I have a right to silence or did we ban that too?
Scene 3: No 10. Tony takes a call from a cell in Colindale Police Station.
Lord Levy: You blamed the whole thing on me?
Tony: I had no choice. Everything's going to be fine.
Lord Levy: For you. I could go down for this.
Tony: Yeah, but only to an open prison. You'll like it there. It'll be full of dodgy millionaires.
Lord Levy: You hypocrite. You owe me for this.
Tony: If you need anything . . .
Lord Levy: They're doing this "theatrical" thing again. They want £5m bail.
Tony: Well, you've got lots of rich and powerful mates. Call one of them.
Levy: I am.
Tony: Oh I see. Can't help you. Whiter than white and all that. Ooh. Got to go. Condi's on the other line.
Tony puts the phone down and mops his brow.
Scene 4: Colindale Police Station. Lord Levy is making a sneaky second phone call.
Lord Levy: Alvin? It's me.
Alvin Stardust: Hi, there. You've been on telly a lot lately.
Lord Levy: Thanks. Now I've had this brilliant idea. We relaunch your career with a new name. Alvin, Marquess of Stardust. Really upmarket. Like Sir Mick and Sir Elton. The good news is it'll only cost you five million quid. [Beat] Are you there, Alvin? Alvin!
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