Report by Ms de Meaner
Thank you, first-timer Lyn Hally, for sending in a real one, seen on the frying pan she's just bought: "Food Compatible". I simply love it. And Lyn, I just have to know who the manufacturer is. Lots of newbies this week: welcome also to Wendy Penney, Mrs H M Jones, Phil Holland, Jason Loftus and Anjogos. Katarina Thomson's name also looks unfamiliar. Both she and David Silverman get £20 each; Blake, Birchall and Cregan £15; and the singletons £5 tokens. The overall winner (Ian Birchall) also gets the Tesco vouchers for his ice cream.
It is with great sadness that we announce the death of Eric Swainson, who died on 1 July. Eric was a regular comper for many years, particularly relishing the challenge of the "poetic" ones. However, it is his famous entry in the Malapropism comp that I shall always remember: "Cecil Parkinson is known for his sheer animal magnitude." They don't get better than that.
Carpet: This Side Up.
Turf: Green Side Up.
New Statesman: Now turn to page two.
Cruise missile: Handle With Care.
David Silverman
Bottikins: Intended for Babies and Young Children.
Cat litter: For Animal Use Only.
Alanna Blake
Pillow case: Should Be Used with Pillow Inside.
Nightdress: Ideal for Wearing in Bed.
Wine: To Be Avoided by Teetotallers.
Michael Cregan
Books: Not Recommended for the Illiterate.
Guns: Keep Eyes Open During Use.
Ice cream: Warning - May Be Cold to the Touch.
Ian Birchall
Banana: Peel Before Eating.
Sugar: Add to Food for Extra Sweetness.
Doughnut: Contains Calories.
Dry-roasted peanuts: May Contain Nuts.
Rump steak: Not Suitable for Vegetarians.
Katarina Thomson
Exocet missiles: Best Used Against Naval Vessels.
Sid Field
Shoes: Use Solely for Feet.
J H Smith
Anorak: Keep Warm and Dry.
Katie Mallett
Condoms: For Best Results, Roll on to the Penis Before Intercourse.
Gordon Gwilliams
Hair extensions: Remove at First Sign of Bald Patches.
Anne Du Croz
Tomato sauce: Shake Before Removing Top.
George Cowley
No 3940 Prime suspect
Set by Dipak Ghosh
We want you to help Tony Blair (and his chosen ghost-writer). We'd like possible titles and opening (or final) paragraphs for the book that, in your opinion, will reflect how Blair sees his time at No 10.
Max 150 words by 27 July
E-mail: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
