Scene 1: 10 Downing Street. Tony is in a crisis meeting with his inner circle of diehard loyalists - in other words, John Reid.
Tony: Everything's slipped out of my control, John. My future is going to be decided abroad - by a sex-crazed millionaire who's barely in possession of his faculties.
Reid: Rupert Murdoch?
Tony: No, David bloody Beckham. Once England get knocked out, my ratings will plummet.
Reid: They've made the last 16.
Tony: Ah, that sounds promising.
Reid: Haven't you been watching?
Tony: I'd rather chew barbed wire.
Reid: What about Jackie Milburn?
Tony: Who?
Reid: Played for Newcastle. You watched him from the terraces.
Tony: Really, John, can you see me in a terrace? Anyway, what chance have we got?
Reid: Better than last time. The Frogs are at each other's throats. The Eyeties shout a lot but don't get much done. The Yanks are bad losers. And the Africans keep staging boycotts.
Tony: Are we talking about the World Cup or the United Nations?
Reid: The World Cup. England might win.
Tony: Just think. I could muscle in on the national euphoria - like with the Ashes. Declare a public holiday. Invite the squad over here. Let them get smashed and piss all over the rose garden. I'd get a huge boost in the polls.
He reaches for the intercom.
Tony: Memo - "Outline plan for World Cup victory party. Just in case." My God! Imagine - I could call a snap election. Offer myself for a fourth term.
Reid: What about Gordon?
Tony: Sack him. No one'll notice. The country'll be down the pub.
Reid: And you'll need a safe pair of hands to take his place. A canny Scotsman, perhaps?
Tony: Keep talking.
Reid: Someone with lots of cabinet experience - who would naturally inherit your mantle after a couple of years.
Tony: We're on the same wavelength, John. Let me buy you dinner. I know this great little place in Islington.
Scene 2: The Blairs' bedroom. Tony is dreaming up headline-grabbing initiatives for his fourth term. Enter Cherie, decked out in bling and Burberry.
Cherie: Like my outfit?
Tony [not looking up]: Lovely. One of Carole's creations?
Cherie: No, you idiot. I'm dressed as Coleen.
Tony: Who?
Cherie: Wayne Rooney's girlfriend. Let's practise a bit of banter for the World Cup party.
Tony: Good plan. Right. Ahem. [Extending hand] Hello, Coleen.
Cherie: Owsit goin?
Tony: Sorry?
Cherie: How's it going? I was talking Scouse.
Tony: Right, right. It's going well - and I hope our investment programme has improved local services in Liverp -
Cherie: Sod that. Girrus a kiss!
She plants a smacker on his mouth.
Tony: Ow!
Cherie: Eh! Worrabout tha'? I just snogged the Prime Minister.
Tony: Er, did you enjoy the football?
Cherie [whispering]: No, Tony. She's a newly empowered working-class Liverpudlian. Talk about something important.
Tony: Inner-city poverty?
Cherie: Shoes.
Tony: Right. Er, nice pair of shoes, Coleen.
Cherie: Dead good, aren't they? I gorrem wi' Jamie Carragher's missus over in Frankfairrrt. You gorra go. The shops is out of this wairrrld. There's this amayzin' mall, bigger'n Thurrock Lakeside and Gateshead put together. So we got dolled up, me'n the girls, loads of fake bake and tha', and we went out on a birrova spree and there's all these paparazzis snap'n us while we're strut'n down the mall.
Tony: Cherie. I get the idea.
Cherie: Eh, can I meet your missus? I've heard she's dead gorgeous'n charming'n brainy'n all tha'. And she does so much for the Thairrrd Wairrrld.
Tony: Cherie, grow up.
Scene 3: No 11. Gordon is in a crisis meeting with the Scottish mafia and "honorary Jock" Nick Brown.
Gordon: Knowing Blair's bloody luck, they'll bloody win. And my career'll be on hold for another three years. Come on. Ideas.
Alistair Darling: Get MI5 to poison Sven's pasta?
Gordon: You're joking. If you take Sven out of the equation they'll almost certainly win.
Nick Brown: Nobble Paul Robinson and they'll have to play Calamity James.
Gordon: Lads, please. Think of something legal.
Douglas Alexander: The squad are addicted to gambling, right? Introduce a 50 per cent betting tax.
Gordon: Great, but I can't collect revenue abroad. God knows, I've tried.
Nick Brown: Or put a cap on footballers' wages.
Gordon: Hang on. I've got it.
Scene 4: Baden Baden. The England squad are watching BBC News 24. Gordon Brown is giving a live press conference.
Gordon: This emergency measure is vital to our hospital investment programme, and will be in force until the end of July.
Wayne Rooney: What's he on about?
Gordon: Anyone importing luxury goods, shoes, clothes, watches and other jewellery from the Continent will have to pay duty of 500 per cent.
Rooney passes out.
