Scene 1: 11 Downing Street. Gordon is drafting a patriotic letter to the England camp.
Gordon [reading aloud]: Dear Team - Welcome to Germany, the home of high unemployment, static growth and an inflexible management culture. The Prime Minister, in one of his last acts as a public servant, has asked me to convey to you the hopes of an expectant nation. Lads, we are united behind you (with the exception of Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Cornwall).
Strive for choice, excellence and efficiency in all areas of the park. Give opportunities to youth - Wayne and Theo - be wary of outmoded ideas - Owen - remember the dangers of over-rapid growth - Crouch - and take care of your elderly captain. I predict that if we stick to these principles, our points tally will outperform that of our nearest competitors in the short to medium term.
If it doesn't, don't worry. Simply adjust your terms of reference and add a few points from the last World Cup to your current total. (It worked for me.) Finally, a promise. The man who scores the winning goal in the final will get a knighthood - free! - and his wife will become a lady. Believe it or not, that even applies to Coleen. Yours etc, etc.
Scene 2: 10 Downing Street. It's half an hour before the England/Sweden game, but the Blairs have better things to do. Tony is tasting a 1992 Sancerre. Leo is sharpening a pencil. Cherie is working on Downing Street Mistresses, a racy sequel to Downing Street Wives.
Cherie: Should I describe Edwina Currie as a "permed vampire" or a "rampant sex Nazi"?
Tony: Don't say "permed". She might sue. OK, Leo, got your pencil? Here's a little test for you.
He gives Leo one of the new maths A-level multiple-choice papers.
Leo: What are A-levels?
Tony: A bit of fun for six-year-olds. You have two hours. You may begin. [Beat.] Hey, where are you going?
Leo has trotted over to the wide-screen TV and grabbed the remote control.
Leo: World Cup! World Cup!
Tony: No, Leo. We don't watch football in this family. We just pretend to.
Leo: But England are playing. Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land . . .
Cherie: Leo! That's racist.
Tony snaps off the TV.
Tony: Come on. Do your A-level.
Leo: Dad! When the man from the newspaper was here, you said you'd be watching every single game with me sitting beside you.
Tony: Oh, for God's sake. Have a Jaffa Cake and do your maths test.
Leo settles down, but not for long.
Leo: What's a fraction?
Tony: Just tick a box and move on to the next question, there's a good lad.
Leo: But what is it, Dad?
Tony: Don't be so difficult, Leo. You're not helping Daddy with his educational reforms. You don't need to know what things mean any more. That's just pandering to the forces of conservatism. Tick the boxes and have another Jaffa Cake.
Leo: I bet Uncle Gordon knows.
Tony: Yeah, I bet he does.
Leo: Can I ask him?
Tony: All right. Quickly.
Leo slips next door.
Leo: Uncle Gordon. What's a fraction?
Gordon: The amount of wealth left in this country after I've taxed everyone to the hilt.
Leo: What's a hilt?
Gordon: Shhh. I've got to get changed.
Leo sits and answers the A-level questions while Gordon prepares for the game.
Scene 3: Half an hour later. Tony comes to fetch Leo.
Tony: You little scamp, where've you got to?
He notices Gordon, who is decked out in the Swedish football strip, wearing a Viking helmet and drinking a pint of Aquavit.
Tony: I might have known. Just because Scotland didn't qualify!
Gordon: Oh, come on. It's just a bit of fun. You won't tell anyone, will you?
Tony takes out his mobile phone and zooms in with the camera.
Gordon: Please, no. I'm very publicity-shy.
Tony [taking the snap]: Now you'll find out the real meaning of "a full third term".
Gordon: You've got this all wrong. I was being ironic.
Voices off: Gordon! We're here!
Enter the Scots mafia: Alistair Darling, Des Browne, Douglas Alexander, etc - all wearing yellow jerseys and Viking helmets.
Scene 4: Later. Tony has marked Leo's A-level paper.
Tony: Brilliant. You got 25 per cent.
Leo: What's a percent?
Cherie checks the paper.
Cherie: Mmm, there are only four possible answers to each question. So a totally random set of choices would score 25 per cent. A chimpanzee could get 25 per cent. John Prescott could get 25 per cent. It doesn't mean a thing.
Tony: What are you talking about? Twenty-five per cent is the pass mark. He's done very well.
Cherie: Sounds like a right con.
Tony: Please, Cherie. Instead of criticising Leo and undermining his magnificent teachers let's celebrate his success.
How about physics A-level next?
Leo: What's physics?
