An indiscreet Minger, a Tory with a green tinge, and a minister's sporting sacrifice

That thrusting young Minger Nick Clegg should learn to swivel his head to spy who is sitting within earshot before shouting into a mobile phone about an aged Olympic sprinter off to a poor start. While waiting on Bournemouth station for the London train, it was impossible for your columnist not to overhear the Lib Dems' home affairs chap itemising, between sips of Red Bull, his leader Sir Ming Campbell's political crimes. Ming the Mediocre, according to Clegg, is hesitant and disorganised, commits avoidable errors and lacks momentum but - this was the loyal bit - is capable of recovering. With friends like Clegg, who needs Simon Hughes?

A Labour mischief-maker spots a mysterious green tint to the barnet of the

Tory Mr Whippy, Patrick "I Was Once a Miner, You Know" McLoughlin. On close inspection, I must confess, the jocular enforcer did appear to have followed the "Vote blue, go green" slogan a little too literally. Citizen Dave will be delighted at the devotion of this one-time horny-handed son of toil. Dave's handlers, incidentally, concede that it was unwise of him to gawp at the £500,000 Beckingham Palace kitschfest on the eve of a speech declaring there are more important things in life than, er, money.

Guffaws in the Strangers' Bar as word filters down of how the minister for planes, trains and automobiles, wee Dougie Alexander, declared his allegiance to the St Mirren footie team at a Glasgow shindig. Labourites recall a diehard Rangers fan of exactly the same name and stature, but they also know that Wee Dougie moonlights as Scottish viceroy, and for him to support Proddy Rangers would alienate half the statelet. With Labour facing meltdown in next year's Edinburgh parliament elections, what greater sacrifice can a minister make than to lay down his club for his party?

A European break-up on a par with that of Serbia-Montenegro as Mandy's gauche adviser Roger Liddle bids au revoir to the commissioner and bonjour to a think-tank. An ex-Downing Street staffer, Eurofanatic Piddle left a lunch guest choking on his moules frites by confiding that perhaps the pound shouldn't join the euro after all. Next the SDP splitter will be apologising for three Tory victories.

To Bellamy's Bar and a curry competition hosted by the ex-minister Keith "I Knew Nothing" Vaz. Profits will be split between two charities, one of which might be Big Gordie's favourite: TB Alert.

And finally, a keep-fit fanatic answers last week's appeal for an explanation

for why that man-about-the-house, Jack Straw, was seen on all fours, naked, peering under a cubicle door in the Commons gym. "The Lad" was, I'm told, donating £10 towards a leaving present for a staff member. Clear?

Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

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